Forgive me, I have not been posting as often as I have been writing entries. Such as this one in particular that I wrote a few days ago, in fact. I didn't want to post this one, though. I will because it's my diary and it's what I was thinking at the time..and it's still pretty true.

I can sell my soul for a pension. I could join the military and get good training with a lasting job to boot. If I stay long enough, I could retire and get a monthly check of around 2,000 dollars and still be young enough to get a second job. I'd only have to spend years of my life supporting something I hate...something I couldn't invest faith in..and something that I'd loath myself for aiding.

I could take a vacation from my morals. I could get into "the game" and in two months alone have near $10,000. It wouldn't be terribly hard, I assure you. In fact, it would be somewhat of a challenge to not make money. I'd have to leave my soul behind for a while, though, and when I return to it I wouldn't be able to retrieve the whole of it.

And as if to prove my point..while writing this entry, I put it on to MTV2 just in time to see System of The Down's newest video, "Boom." I can honestly say that it hit me really fucking hard, something so very rare for any kind of message. Needless to say, I fully agree with everything it says..everything it means. And to drive in another point-relating to the video's meaning in a more universal way-was seeing that the name of the album was "Steal This Album." Did you know that if you bought a CD within the past 5 years and still had the receipt, there is a place you can take it and receive money back because the record companies overcharged? Personally, I'm not going to do it for the main reason that I agreed with the price enough to buy it and I'm not about to turn back on my decision. Even so...

I'm thinking about moving. After I graduate, I'll have little reason to stay. My brother and I are the type of people who will leave without saying goodbye with a few dollars in their pockets. He'd return if things got too bad...I'd prefer being homeless. There is a lot of thought I'm going to have to put into this...but I'm seriously thinking about Hawaii. Bryan is okay with it, but desires California more.

If I move, there's little chance that I'll have much hope in achieving a "stable" life. Bryan is notorious for losing jobs in record time while I only get hired for menial vocations that end just where they start. I don't care about luxury and I starve for my life to be as hard as it can possibly be-maybe that's why I decided to have such limiting morals-but this is severe.

I want to leave.. I'm choking and withering away. It's been fun here, but if I remain here I know what will happen. I know where my life will lead. Maybe not the specifics, but I know enough of the general to realize that it's not right. I have to leave and soon. I've put in twelve applications in the past three weeks and still have yet to hear anything from anyone-this hell hole is taking me prisoner and no matter how hard I fight it..it keeps latching on to me. I'm saving up to buy a new car-a hybrid. Then, when I have the money to move and stand on my own feet for at least two months...I'll leave and buy the car when I get to wherever I'm headed. Tentative plans, clearly.

It feel like it's running away, and in a way, it is. It's me taking an easier path, but I know that it's correct..and I'm not so blind as to dive headlong into absolute defeat even though it might be more difficult. There's no way around this. Either way, I'm going to be scarred, but this way I'll still have a chance of coming out alive...rather than becoming some zombie waiting for life to kick him in the ass. I don't want to say goodbye is the problem. I don't want to tell my parents..my friends..anyone. I just want to be gone and the only sign of it being a missing suitcase, a few "lost" clothes, and an abducted rock with a face etched upon its surface.. my blank, empty walls finally painted with memories..memories of my presence. Low as it may be, it's the way I feel it has to be. My family would recover, my friends would remember..some would hate me for it, I'm sure.

I just need a good job..food service, even. Just something with lots of hours that pays decent enough. Come July, I want to be far away from here-preferably without Bryan's company. It's been too long since the last move....nearly 8 years in one house. I should have left four years ago, but I'm glad I didn't. I'm just a wanderer at heart and there's so much more that I have to do and see; my life is jam-packed with nearly impossible goals and..well, it's now or never, right? Anyway, I'm done justifying it to myself for now... [It's prom night and here I am thinking about throwing my life "down the drain" as I sit alone in an office chair. I wanted to go but my reason to go..my reason that was my desire to go, fell apart as my house of cards was the victim of a weak breeze... I'd blame it all on this, but it's something deeper.. something real and instinctive. It's just finally time, you know?]

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