Hi... Um I just kind of thought that I would call. It's been awhile since we talked and I thought that friends.. well.. you know.. communicate and stuff. I know it's more than a little difficult for us to communicate, but um... what's the harm in trying?

Yeah, umm.. You know I really do like talking to you. You kind of understand me and sometimes.. or at least.. well, at least you used to finish my sentences every so often. It's kinda cool to have someone who can finish your sentences when it's already hard to speak.. you know?

I didn't want to mention it and I know that you won't like me for mentioning it.. but um... I've got some words for you.. Kind of like a parting gift, huh? Yeah.. well um.. I... I miss you... I miss you so much some times that I feel like my heart is literally ripping through my chest to try and grab at you..

It's strange isn't it? Here I find it so hard to miss anyone and in all my life I missed my mom once.. and you once.. You were gone like a week! I mean, I really didn't miss you all that much until those last few days.. besides, I was house sitting for you, so it wasn't so bad.. I wasn't completely without you, you know? Heh, I was afraid to sleep in your bed some of those nights.. nightmares because you weren't there to help me through them. Maggie-she's gone now, I know-but she did her best to help me.. one of the best dogs I ever knew.. I did sleep in your bed some though.. you were too far away for me not to... I couldn't stand how far away you were so I had to be close to you somehow.. I kept wishing we would have ended up meeting in our dreams while you were away in California...

I missed you then... but that was different, because I still had you.. and.... and you would still have me then as well. Now I miss you.. I mean it sucks that it's over and all, but it's not the pain of a breakup... It's the pain of missing someone.. and you know it's so damn hard for me to ever miss anyone under any circumstance.. but look at me now, you know? Damn I miss you so much.. It's like that song..."I miss you like the deserts miss the rain.." Yeah.. umm... yeah.

You know.. it is funny with how I talk about me loving pain and all so much.. and look at me crumbling.. on my knees begging for mercy from the pain of missing someone so badly that I... would do anything to have them back except ask for them back.. I'm stubborn, no? But you understand.. I mean, if you wanted me back you'd ask for me back? If I truly love you, I can't make you be with me if it's not what you want.. I can't.. I just can't.. But I swear if I was less strict with myself by so much as a hair, I would be at your door, sitting on the porch until you granted me at least a kiss on the cheek.. or I'd settle for holding you hand for half a second... I'm kind of pathetic I know.. you don't have to say it..

Then there's that stupid rule I had about never dating the same person twice.. Something about how if it didn't work out the first time why would it work out the next time... I guess I never had anyone in my life who was worth dating a second time... Save for the person who I must have hurt beyond all my own comprehension.. but that is entirely different, I never gave her much of a chance. You though.. ohh... damn.. you I gave my hopes and my fears and my dreams.. and my SOUL.... I told you the things I had never told anyone... the things I never will tell anyone again.

For you.... for you.. that rule does not apply, and I don't think it ever did. I would deny that I ever had such a rule if it meant that I would be able to hold you intimately for just one second longer...

Heh.. you wanna hear something funny? My family and I saw "The Gangs of New York" tonight. There were a few scenes with nude women.. and now that I'm "free and single" and all I should have been all for it...but um... uh.. I almost cried...I wanted to be able to sit next to you during those scenes with my eyes plastered to the flawless beauty of your very own face.. and show you how eternally content I was... I didn't care about their bodies, their anything.. but your eyes.. your smile.. your forgiveness for me not being worth your time... that means something so much to me still that now I'm actually tearing up.. someone who never cries.. someone who has no tears to shed... just let two slide down a cheek.

Funnier still.. we went to a chinese buffet and umm.. I ate three plates which is more food than I've had all this week put together.. and at the end, after we paid, there were the fortune cookies. I tend to always get the fortune that is truest for me.. I still have the fortune, it's in my pocket.. It says, "Someone from your past has returned to steal your heart." I can't help but wonder if the fortune is a little late.. and true.. completely false... or umm... if the past is a near one.. and they have yet to return.. I pray it's the last.. I pray it's you.. By any power that oversees destiny I hope it's you... Funny, huh?

I know I said that we must have only loved each other as friends because love is eternal.. it does not end ever and people who do love each other never break from each other until death.. and even then I have my doubts that there is a separation.. I know I said that... but I know... I... I know what love is.. not the love of friends alone.. but that with the love of intimates.. and now I know that I love you.. which would mean that you love me as well.. That.. that at least gives me some comfort... but um.. you know.. umm.. I love you, boo.. I always will and I knew that.. that's kind of why I said either you.. or no one for the rest of my life.. I meant that.. because I know there is no one that can compare.. I know that not with logic, but with the gut and heart which, if allowed, will tell you the truth that will never change...

I um.. I'm... heh.. two more tears... umm.. I love you.. and I... I... I'm really going to miss having you around. You understood me than you wanted to believe.. you were just too worried that you were wrong.. I know this isn't goodbye.. I know that I'm still your friend.. but you know that I don't have friends.. and that even you can't be my friend.. I just wasn't made for friends... but anyway... it feels like goodbye.. because I'll never get to lay next to you and mooch off your body warmth.. or let you mooch off mine.. I know that I'll never have the joy of kissing your lips again... that... that I'll never feel like I matter... that um.. that sooner or later, I'll have to endure witnessing you caring for someone in the manner that you used to care for me..

That.. that one is the one that really hurts.. it always is... Maybe I'll be okay with it then, you know? But knowing it will happen hurts more than enough now... I hope I can endure that.. I hope I don't give up on life by that fact alone.. The only way I can even begin to deal with any of this is by saying that my pain is nothing.. nothing compared to the pain that the world feels everyday...

So I guess this is goodbye afterall..for me anyway. It was wonderful while it lasted and no matter what I ever say.. you never..... ever.... wasted a single microsecond of my time. Umm... Goodbye....

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