Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.
Twentieth Entry. Farewell to a good friend
02-20-2003 | 9:27 p.m.

Diaryland wouldn't let me add an entry earlier because of this "busy server" business. That's fine, I suppose. I don't pay a dime for it. Though, I am thinking about becoming a Gold Member.

I got in a debate with a friend I've had for about four years or so. She is also my ex...

She doesn't like who I have become. She says that she despises everything that I am now. She doesn't want to be my friend anymore; she doesn't even want to bump into me by chance.

It really hurts to lose someone as close as her. I read her diary the other day, and read that she had "made love" with the guy she's with at the present moment. That hurt me a lot, but still not as much as this.

I wasn't going to call her. I was going to let life happen.. Then I got the idea to call her cell phone and leave a message saying, "I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I'm sorry that my life has driven you away and made me into your enemy. But I want you to know that I'll still always be there for you. I'll always be your friend, no matter what you think of me. I just want you to know that I'll never stop caring..."

She ended up answering her cell. She was in tears and it made my heart sink. I began to say what I was going to say, then she said that she didn't want to talk about it. I tried again, but at a different angle, and well... she said that she didn't want to talk about it and that she got invited to dinner and that was what she was going to do. I tried to speak, she hung up on me.

I'm not too familiar with the sense of loss. Even when I do lose someone or something, it rarely affects me. This might be the fifth time in my entire life that loss has truly affected me. The third time that it did a number on me.

My first girlfriend was the first time loss did a number on me. When I felt I lost Alyson forever was the second time loss did a number on me. This is the third time.

I'm not going to get in her way. I'm not going to attempt to speak to her. She doesn't want me to. Well, not the me that I have become. I'm going to be her friend from afar. I'm going to keep an eye on her and her life until it is no longer possible. Maybe then I'll make myself known to her once more, or perhaps not. Time will tell.

I hope that she enjoys her decision. I hope that it will bring her peace. I believe it will bring her nothing but pain and angst. Sooner or later, denial will take over and that will bring her peace. She'll be happy all the same, though.

Farewell, friend. I hope your life brings you as much pleasure as you can endure. I pray that one day we will meet again and that it will be with honest smiles and cordial grace.

We did a lot for each other. I'll never stop loving you... and I will miss you. I'll always be your Pebble.

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