I adore pain. Wait, no. Let me rephrase that. I love pain. I can't get enough of it. Physical, emotional, mental.. you name it.

There is one type of pain that I cannot endure. I don't do well with it at all. It is the one form of pain that tears me apart and rips me open at the seams. It leaves nothing behind. It is the pain encountered by matters of love.

It's a new kind of pain to me. Maybe that's all it is? Either way, I've never really felt it before. I don't like it. It penetrates me and tries to murder my soul. It makes me want to kill myself..

Funny story, that, actually. I worked out until every muscle I was aware of was burning with such exercised rage that I couldn't move without screaming. I tried to get up off the floor-973 weighted crunches having been accomplished-but my body was 100% pure jelly.

I sat there for about 20 minutes and concentrated on my breath. I finally managed enough movement to sit up. I looked up and stared at the blinds for about 15 minutes. Then I laid back down and lifted the weight in my right hand into the air. My hand was outstretched as far as would allow.. I decided to see how long I could hold it there in my weakened state-500 arm curls performed by each arm-I didn't think it would be long.

It wasn't long... Not long at all. I thought I'd have enough strength to move my arm to the side and set the weight down.. No such luck. The weight slipped from my hand and the last thing I saw was a maroon circle hurtling towards my face.

It knocked me out and gave me a bloody nose. No marks left behind, though. Just dried blood running out of my nose, down my cheek, and to the floor.

I can't help but think I did it on purpose. I took myself through a class of pain tonight that I was NOT prepared for. This love pain, it's powerful stuff. It grips you, though. And you try to stop but you keep on diving in for more.. trying to drown yourself in all the hurt and all the rage.

Honestly, I want to kill myself right now. I want to slit my wrists, my throat.. everything. I want to die, I can't handle this right now. I don't think I could ever learn to handle this kind of pain.. It hurts so much... Why!?

Fuck! I think that I might run away for a few days. I want to die, but I want to see if the urge will go away if I just get lost in something else. Maybe go to the beach..go to the woods.. Go to New York and walk down a dark alley in Harlem or the Bronx.. FUCK!

I wish it was harder to die, then I might kill myself. I wish it was some great feat, this death thing. I would have died years ago and would never had to of gone through any of this.. I hurts so much... so much.. I'm going to explode soon.. my heart feels like it already collapsed.. FUCK!

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Heart vs mind.