Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.
Twenty-third Entry. Conversation
02-21-2003 | 5:23 p.m.

"What's wrong, Darren? Life got you down? Can you not take the pain?"

"It hurts..."

"What, you can't take the pain? Is it too much for you?"

"It hurts so much..."

"Are you crying? Those are tears coming out of your eyes! Ha ha! So you can cry!"

"Please don't...

"Aww, come on Darren. Don't tell me that you honestly can't handle this. This is nothing and you know it."

"Shut up! Leave me alone! You have no idea how much this hurts!"

"You're pathetic. You sniveling little wrench! You should be grateful that you're even alive."

"I am grateful..."

"Well, this is part of life. Things like this happen. But what? Did you expect to be immune? Did you think this couldn't reach you? Were you stupid enough to believe that you could enjoy every form of pain!? YOU KNOW NOTHING OF PAIN! NOTHING!"

"Stop! Please!"

"Do you think your words are going to actually stop me, Darren? Surely you have more sense than that..."

"..."

"Why are you running away from reality, Darren? Aren't you the one who preaches that one should never hide from reality? That one should always take whatever comes there way? And enjoy it!? Isn't that you!? Isn't it!?"

"I didn't know though it would be this painful! I didn't know that it would hurt so bad! I just want her to come back and hold me and tell me that everything is perfect again and that none of this ever happened! Why can't life be that fucking simple!? WHY!?"

"I quote, 'Life without pain is life without pleasure." You said that yourself, Darren. You said it and you meant it. And now it's too much for you? Now that it has come to your doorstep?"

"Shut up! Shut up, shut up,shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupSHUTUP!"

"You can't handle it at all can you? So why don't you go to your friends? They'll help, won't they?"

"My friends?"

"You know you have friends, don't you?"

"They tried to help me today.. They asked if I was 'okay", but I pushed them away. They didn't really care what my answer was, they made it that obvious. They did it because it was the 'right thing to do.'"

"What about the one who put the coat on you? The one who held an umbrella for you while you so stupidly sat in the rain? What about them, don't they care?"

"The one who put the coat on me never speaks to me. He came over because She was over there and because he thought he could help-not because he cared. She held the umbrella.. I know that she used to care.. Now, I don't know. She may have had her own prerogative...maybe she felt bad for me being sad. But I was being so 'melodramatic.' I was being so 'melodramatic.' My fucking broken heart and lack of concern for anything was 'melodramatic.' I guess she was right. I started to cry in first block-not just tear shedding..but actually crying. I started to cry in section.. that bought was almost too much to stop... When I got home I cried like a baby..upward curled lip, shaking body, my eyes squinting so hard that it hurt..."

"Stop complaining. Stop bickering about your stupid broken heart. You did it to yourself! You weren't enough and you never will be! You couldn't even keep her happy for 1 year.. 1 month.. 1 day. People spend their entire lives with their needs and wants satisfied. You'll never be able to give anyone that, and you know it. YOU FUCKING KNOW it!"

"I was enough! It's just that life happens, mistakes are made! She didn't want to!"

"Do you honestly believe that load of bullshit? Stop making excuses, Darren. Stop hiding! Of course she fucking wanted to, why else did she!? Are you so lost now that you'll argue with the obvious!?"

"But she said she didn't want to.. She said so.."

"No she didn't. You wish she had. She wasn't anywhere close to saying that. She said that she knew it was wrong, that she knew what she was doing."

"But she couldn't have wanted it! She loved me! She cared about me!"

"Past tense, Darren. Past tense. You weren't enough for her and all you could do was find new ways to hurt her. Why is it so bad that she hurt you? Don't you think that you earned every bit of this!? You reap what you sow! "

"Alyson loves Darren loves Alyson...."

"Alyson loved Darren loves Alyson. She's fucking happy now, Darren. She'll never come back to you and things will never be perfect again. Get it through your thick skull, moron. How hard is it to understand that she wants no part in you?"

"But.. but she promised! She promised me! She swore it and she meant it and I believed her and I hate myself! She promised! She fucking promised!"

"You promised a lot of things to her, too. How many of those promises have you actually kept? Count them, Darren. COUNT THEM! Get the fuck over it, you earned this! Leave her alone! Do that much for her!"

"I can't... I love her.. I still love her soooo much. I can't stop loving her, I've tried.. god I've tried. All that happens is I end up hating myself for not being enough.. for being a bastard.. for hurting her as if I was out to break her! I'm so fucking worthless.. Without.. or even with her.. I'm so fucking worthless. Look at me!"

"You're a sorry pathetic waste of human space.. Why don't you kill yourself? That's apparently what you want."

"Kill myself?"

"Don't play stupid, you sorry sack of shit. You know exactly what I mean. Don't you fucking deny it."

"But there's so much to live for..."

"Like what? Love is ecstasy that you'll never let yourself have.. Pain? You can't take this pain so what makes you think you can take the pain down the line? You are aware that this is nothing compared to that, aren't you? Kill yourself, Darren. Solve your problem and everyone else's. Your parent's have life insurance on you that pays no matter how you die. They're broke as hell and they are about to foreclose on the house.. You and them never speak so they will get over you quickly. Your friends will be hurt a little, some might cry..but overall you'll save them from ever having to deal with your shit again. Alyson? She'll be fine. She has loads of comfort if she needs it, and within a month she'll be perfectly fine. It'll be Kassidy all over again, but you won't have things carried out in your name that you don't agree with.."

"It's like the rain, though.. Sooner or later is stops.. Sooner or later the sun comes out... I just.. I just have to wait it out.."

"Tell that to the the eye on Jupiter.. Darren, you know time will make things tolerable because the pain will subside.. but do you think it will ever fully stop hurting? Are you that naive? You know it doesn't.. You know that fifty years from now, all I'll have to do is mention her name and you'll break down. You know it! Kill yourself, Darren. KILL yourself.."

"I can't! I'm too weak.. What if I send myself to a hell where I watch her for all of eternity where she is happy and fine and dandy without me.. What if I see her get over my death? What if is doesn't affect her at all!? I'm already a stranger to her.. the me that she cared about already died, right? He's already fucking gone and look at her! Happy and making love and doing all of that while I sit here wondering why I'm not dead yet.. why it hurts so fucking much and why in the fucking hell I'm crying!"

"You weak sack of shit.. when you get serious come back. Then we'll talk."

"I can't.. I can't.. I can't do it.. I wish I could. Someone please do it for me? Please? I can't do it...."

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