Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.
Twenty-fifth Entry. Try to focus
02-22-2003 | 11:36 a.m.

I would like to learn Ninpo. I have no active knowledge of martial arts whatsoever. I know nothing other than the fact that I would like to learn and that any form of martial arts would be extremely good for me.

I have an abstract sense of self-discipline. There are lines that I will never cross, but I do not put forth effort in many areas. Even when I care deeply for the particular "area." Martial arts would help me with that greatly.

I watched a special last night that covered many forms of martial arts. Flowing ki and stuff like that is fine and dandy, but I have little clue as to how I would actually apply it. A direct link with the spirit world sounds beautiful but I wouldn't know how to set one up.. Would I use dial-up or broadband for something like that?

I lack focus. I have no focus whatsoever. So while I think learning Ninpo would be wonderful, I'd end up masturbating instead of learning some new move or something. I'm going to change that.

Today I have an online meeting to attend that I am expected at. I'm not going to let them down, however I am going to go outside for now and teach myself focus and balance.

About a year, maybe two years, ago I taught myself how to do a handstand. I think it was two years ago, actually. I remember one day that smoke was actually generating off of my skin. My body was covered in sweat and steam was rising off of my body. That was so amazing, I don't think I'll ever forget it..

I am going to go remember how to do a handstand. I am going to teach myself how to complete a flip. Then I'll move on to a back flip. After that, I'll learn how to perform a back flip off of another object. I'll learn new techniques to climb trees swiftly, and I'll teach myself how to deal with incapacitating pain.

In a lot of Jean Claude Van Dam movies, his characters undergo training that any normal man would break under. His own characters pull through, though, only right before he breaks. I ended up doing some research and learned that such techniques do exist, but only for those that are ready for them. Kicking a tree until it or your leg breaks is not my dream, but learning how to deal with an hour of kicking something like a tree, that would be nice.

I saw this clip once of this guy snapping a wooden bat in half with the force of his own kick-his shin was the part of his leg making contact. I saw another clip where this person broke like 7 boards by kicking it with his foot-the toes making contact first. Alyson used to break boards as a child all the damn time-I've never seen her break any boards, but I have seen all sorts of trophies.

I don't want to break anything. Especially not so that I can say, "Look what I broke!" I want the focus required to perform such precise feats. Maybe after I train myself how to do new things I'll learn how to tap into that focus. Hopefully one day I'll have a sensie, maybe even in Ninpo. We'll see.

I know this is right. A cardinal just sat on the window sill-the large bay window is to the right of the computer, only two feet away or so. It looked at me, tilted its head and flew away. It's hard to explain how this could give me assurance that it is right, but if you have had the signs that I have been given, you would say that it couldn't be any more obvious.

This is right.

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