I found the one thing that I was praying that I wouldn't find at all costs. Strange how I can be so afraid of a website, so dominated by its influence that it might have on me. I realized what I was doing only after I added it to my "favorite places." Ironic isn't it?

I didn't look through it. I didn't dissect it for information that might be useful for my quest. I saw the opened page, clicked the little heart, and closed the window before too much damage could be rendered to my psyche. I know that I probably will, though. I know that I'll end up scouring it and devouring the information so wholly as to memorize the placement of periods and commas. The pen is mightier than the sword, but the internet..the Internet is a fountain of pens..an army of pens.

Away from that subject-I'm trying to teach myself to stop reaching out for pain-and onto something a little lighter. I reencountered a long lost friend of mine recently. It was for a brief amount of time and already I have seemed to have lost her. It had been nearly a year and a half since we last spoke, we were so pleased to greet each other. Now, though, she has vanished and I can't help but wonder how she is doing..

Is her daughter okay? Is her life starting to pan out and be kind to her? Did I say or do something that pushed her away? Should I try to contact her, or would it all be for naught? The usual questions, you know.

Mardi Gras is underway. I'm glad that I'm not the only who is completely disinterested this year. I haven't gone to a single parade, and though I'm supposed to go on Fat Tuesday to "party hardy" with my friend Mimi, I strongly doubt that I'll do anything more than read American Gods and then reread Dream Science.

Lets talk about that, Dream Science. It's a wonderful "novel of the paranormal' by author Thomas Palmer. I love that damn book. In fact, I recently created a character based on Poole (Yes, I am an online role-player and damn proud of it). Well, anyway, I've been thinking a lot about it lately and can't help but ponder how credible it all seems. Not in some alternate dimension where the jagged shards of the world are connected by invisible puddles, but in this mundane realm where nothing seems real to me. I know it very well may be just the product of idle wonders by an eccentric man, but to be quite honest, I'm literally feeling my reality pulling apart in the seams.

Now, when I say that it might seem like I'm being metaphorical and referring to the large dosages of emotional stress I've been undergoing. I won't exactly count out the emotional stress, but that it is because of anything recent is absurd. The truth is that I have felt this way ever since I first touched that book in the clearance bin of the Harco drugs store. I am being sincere when I say "literally." It has nothing to do with emotion-emotionally, I'm very impartial... so impartial, in fact, that when I found out the only person I ever trusted betrayed me in the only way I pleaded for them not to... I felt the need to comfort and console them...then submit to a little a little insanity because there was no other reaction capable...After two days time I was perfectly fine again.

I see blank spots a lot. I'd scientifically blame it on a scratch on the lens of my eye or say that it was a formation of chemical splotches on surface of my pupil. I'd claim that it was just another one of the microscopic organisms creeping across my vision, that it was nothing. These spots, though, are not so easily categorized within science.

They sometimes take the shape of a person who fluidly moves through the physical realm like a strand of hair caught in the wind..giving no credibility to the laws of form or gravity. Other times they have taken the shape of a dog or wolf that grows in the shadow and shrinks in the pale light of the moon or orange glow of a street lamp. Once it took the form of a floating orb swirling around in a spiral dance about my body. My throat clenches every time, breath becomes impossible for those brief moments. I blink..it's still there to taunt and haunt me. I blink again and it's gone.

Truckers that have been out on the road to long have reported seeing "shadow figures" that sound akin to what I see sometimes. They see these thing at night, like me. They behave in the same manner, and their visions also behave similar. Usually, it is said to be due to insomnia.... I don't sleep much, but even when I do it still occurs. Which makes me think that there very well might be a realm that just slightly so overlaps with our own. Almost all religions claim that there are different planes of existence..souls, greater spirits, the one-self...each of these are said to have their own realm. So perhaps its not delusion, but rather it's just a thinned barrier between these worlds..and perhaps insomnia takes away some of that thick blanket that covers our eyes.

There is one explanation, though, that seems to be flawless in theory. I'm going insane and partially there already. I wouldn't be surprised. I'm intrigued by the thought and have found myself wishing for it on numerous occasions. That would explain a lot..and perhaps a few of my dreams.

I'm going to go read Dream Science. Maybe it'll settle my mind a little.

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