I want the cosmos to quiver with my thoughts.. I want the universe to ripple with my actions. I so desperate want to be needed...wanted.. cherished. I can feel my presence slipping, my influence fading. This world doesn't need me... I'm a lost soul searching endlessly through the voids of time and space..leaving no second unturned..no galaxy overlooked. Where is my life? Where is my passion? My conviction? My LOVE? What happened to my destiny?

It's been so long since I last felt so lost. I've always been so sure and asserted my instinct that "everything will pan out." I'm topless and the lights are off.. It's dark save for the dim glow of the computer screen..and that song is playing.. "Missing" by Everything But The Girl.. And it's my prophet right this second.. in this fleeting eternity, it is my anthem and my soul pouring out in a haunting rhythm that forces dry eyes to glossy wetness.. And then that chorus breaks my heart in every repetition.. "And I miss you... yeah.. Like the deserts miss the rain."

I want the world to look at me and see the beauty that I so selfishly hide. I yearn for a life so simple and basic that love and peace..and unbound serenity mean something real. I want to break down right this second and tear down the walls I've built up and reinforced.. I want everything I am to crumble and be forgotten.. and be forgiven. I want my life to be breathtaking and beautiful..and meaningful.. Not to anyone else, but at least to me. I yearn to be free.

I wish that I could have a second chance, I would do anything for it. I wish that life had a reset button so you could try to make it better the second time around.. And I can't help but feel like that's how it is sometimes..everything so distantly familiar..and me often knowing the next rung in the ladder of my life.. Did I get the second chance already? Am I wasting it and letting all the breaks I've ever received be for naught?

I look up to the stars and I wonder, "What have I become? Do you hate me? Have I let you down?" The star sparkles countless light-years away and hovers over me..the moon looms overhead behind the clouds..and it doesn't feel like the moon is hiding..it feels like I'm hiding.. trying to mask my shame and my failure. Trying to make a blanket of lies so thick that not even the divine can tell how much of a disgrace I have become.. Where did I go wrong? When did I turn into...this?

Happiness used to be the unquestionable constant in my life..not even change was as dependable. Now, happiness has become my prey and I the hunter.. No longer am I true with my aim, but instead I am aged and aloof..and my shot is off by such a distance that to put it in a form of measurement would be too much credit.. Now, I find myself sitting still in a classroom filled with faces and bodies empty of depth but not entirely bereft of soul..and I have to catch my breath. I have to hunch over and swell my lungs with air in a muffled gasp..and quickly the breath is shot back out and my chest heaves, yanking in another breath. I can't breath..I can't get any air..and finally I force myself to calm down..and breathing takes care of itself. Is this normal? Is this the rest of my life staring at me in the face? Challenging me to do something about it, knowing that I'll fail?

I want friends. I want someone to know me...not by facts that describe isolated incidents..but by personality..someone who doesn't have to know the facts because they can gather as much on their own. I want my other half and I dream of it every night. I can feel their weight on the bed beside me just as Dream welcomes me to his realm.. I can smell their hair and taste their love for that broken millennia that separates one second from another.. I just want to cry...I want to shudder and shake..and my eyes to pour forth rivers of lost desires..of misdirected anguish.. I want my tears to apologize for everything that I am and to promise all of existence that I'm not a waste.. that I'm not defective.. that I'm not what I know I am..

I want the world to shake and all of reality to fade.. I want to live forever and hold that soulmate tightly within my weathered grip as all of time passes around us..leaving us and our perfection untainted by its cruelty.. Does she really exist? Am I just fooling myself again? What makes me think that I've earned that? Why can't I just accept the world as it is? Isolation... Where is my oblivion?

I want to be forever.. I want someone to love me..and actually know me. I want to cry. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a false dream that I've built up only to make the world endurable.. I want my charade to STOP! I want to break....

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And that's that.
Referenced #2
Referenced
To write them.
Heart vs mind.