I don't like the present. I can hardly believe so much has happened. If you knew me before all of this and then knew me now..you'd understand exactly what I mean. I mean, I was sacrificed for someone else's hunger. I mean, I was tossed aside for a couple of strangers. I mean, I was a person and transformed into a tiny, smooth stone.

I'm honest when I talk about my future. I don't lie about that, not even to others. I'm terribly honest about all the hardships that face me and I know at exactly which point I'll break. From there, I'll train and adapt so that I won't break, but bend and mold to fit the moment. A very useful tool, one that supposedly separates us humans from the other species on this planet. This is true for all futures I give credibility...but it's hard to expect how that future will turn out when it includes someone else...

I've only known one person in my entire life that I would care to know in a decade from any given moment. I liked that future and adored it with a passion. I thirsted for it and at night, just before I would close my eyes...I would pick a memory that was sure to happen in that future..and let it be my lullaby. My favorite was waking up early on a Sunday morning and sitting at the kitchen table over a hot cup of coffee across from her..and looking to see how the sun coming through the large bay window would color her hair. That would give me more rest than any number of hours of sleep could ever hope to offer. It was a wondrous drug.

Clearly that future has been broken..and I quickly came to realize that the present was hardly as grand as I thought it was. I mean, I had no false perceptions of what it was. I had lost a tremendous amount of zest for the person I was with, I was enjoying my alone time more and more, and everytime we would fight I wondered if it would really be so bad to send her packing on her own. Idle things, really, that a brief vacation would have mended in a heartbeat for me. She, though, as most women...felt differently.

I don't hold anything against her. She chose to take those paths..she was thinking of herself and worried that her life wasn't leading her in the right direction. Everyone is worried about where their life is leading them to at least some certain extent, and has done some number of things in an attempt to find a better path. It's called greed. There are a number of forms of greed, and only this one do I actively love as much as I hate it. Without this form of greed, love would be impossible. The knowledge that "this is as good as it gets" would never be possible. And with it...people get hurt as badly as a person can get hurt. That's just how things work.

I wish none of it would have ever happened, the relationship included. It was the greatest time of my life thus far, but the aftermath is proving to be a little..wait, scratch that...a LOT more than I bargained for. I would wish for a different ending, maybe, but the truth is that it would end the exact same way no matter what. Or maybe in 10 years she'll have had enough fun in her life so that she'll be ready to settle down with me. I doubt that one. I very well might take her back, but that's not the part that I doubt. I don't think that she'd ever return, even if just to offer so much as a brief "hello." It won't be bad, though. I'll miss her and that feeling..I know that it will never go away.

Sure, it'll fade..but it's one of those scars that people carry with them for a lifetime... I have more than a few of those. I...this is something I have only divulged to one, solitary person, but I coated it in pretty lies so that the truth wouldn't be nearly so bad...was molested as a child by a family member. I won't speak of who it was, it doesn't really matter anymore, but I was far from willing..far from understanding what it truly was..and far from okay afterwards. One of the many scars that only I am aware of...I became everything that I hate. I became cruelty and opression..starvation and torture...anguish remodeled into the sleek guise of beauty. I dare not elaborate much more, but needless to say, it's pain is with me every moment I live. Out of all these scars..hers will hurt the most. Hers will last on and be fresh..and every smile she offers will be salt to my open wound..every word she speaks will be a twist of the blade...every second she lives is acid in my veins. I chose this. It is my life and I must accept it. [I did not get wasted today.]

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Heart vs mind.