I'm moving soon. Today me and my dad got into it again. He takes and takes and is late picking me up and never says thank you or please and is always an ass. His favorite word is "no." All this is fine, really it is, but when he wants to push my buttons..it's never too hard. I was watching tv and I was getting ready to leave and play some more Half-Life but I wanted to finish eating my broccoli and cheese keesh thing first. Well, he comes into the room and demands the remote because he wants to watch television. I've handed over the remote countless times in the past few days because I wasn't in the mood to hear him whine, but I didn't feel like turning it over. I felt that he hadn't done shit for me to roll over and "obey" him. There wasn't a decent thing on, but I turned him down.

My food was on a plate that was resting in my lap when he put his topless form over me and tried to thieve the remote control from my hand. His legs were on either side of my own and I was feeling like my space had just been severely invaded, and then his leg bumped the plate and my food went crashing to the floor. I'm a vegetarian in a house of omnivores; it's fine and dandy..but I don't have much food of my own. Especially good, warm food. The only good, warm, vegetarian food we had in the house was the keesh and some pirogies..not much of a selection, really. So when my food went crashing to the floor I got REALLY pissed off. I guess my father has taken to thinking I'm a pushover because I've been so tired of hearing him whine that I'll usually yield...which would explain his utter surprise when I nudged him back, stood up, and literally tossed him five feet through the air before he landed hard on his ass. I'm nonviolent these days, but DAMN that felt good!

I work out regularly with weight lifting, strength and agility training, and stamina exercises. My father is old, weak, and when he was half an hour late picking me up..his excuse was that his sandal broke and he fell down.... I don't feel good about tossing my father around like a rag doll, otherwise I'd do it a lot more often, but I don't mind illustrating that it's my kindness that I give him and not respect or obedience. I don't give my father respect because he's a hypocrite and thinks he's so great for being so worthless...and he once sat in the car and simply watched as his son, my brother Bryan, got beat up by four other people. My father would have gone to jail for "abusing" a minor and got his beat in the process, but any father who can watch their sun get trashed like that...is no father in my eyes. I'd gladly go to jail for defending my children. Gladly, indeed. I don't give him my obedience because he is a horrible person. He took a year off of work because he couldn't find the motivation to look for a job..Meanwhile, my mother spends $80,000 of inheritance, and gets a second job as a cashier at a grocery store so that she can support the family. Would you give your obedience to someone like that? Didn't think so.

I was waiting for him to breech my personal space again..for him to touch me..anything that would justify kicking the shit out of him. He made himself some poppy-seed muffins and I threw them on the floor, plate and all. He said something along the lines of me being a disrespectful punk, a stupid smartass, a worthless piece of shit not worth the sweat of his dog's back, that I live in fantasy playing video games in my room, that I need a woman, and a number of other unintelligible insults. He wouldn't touch me, though. He stared at me and huffed through his dentures and threatened to call the police. Do you think I care if I go to jail?

I won't hit someone who hasn't brought physical contact to me first. Sure, he did invade my space earlier, but a simple toss was all the punishment needed. Let down, I decided that I'd do something that has been a long time in coming...a carved out the shriveled muscle of his heart with my words. In a moment of battling testosterone, you never let your inner responses show through or else you'll lose the whole war. Thus, I was not surprised that he did not break down in tears while I tore him limb from limb with my vocal cruelty-I know exactly what hurts most people that I know..I know what subjects will break them in two and leave an eternal scar..and if they actively search for those topics of mine (no one has ever found them and doubt anyone ever will) with harmful intentions...they are asking me to expose their own..and I'll do it with cold precision. At any rate, he did silence his tongue. Confirmation that my aim...struck true. He had been telling me that I need to leave and that I wasn't welcome here while my mother was away-she left just an hour prior to all this and will be gone until Sunday night-it was him who got into his van and left.

Buttered muffins on the floor mixed in the sharp white shards of the shattered plate..I picked them up and vacuumed. Angel, one of our dogs, ate my food that had fallen, and had been put outside since. I was thankful for that, she probably would have eaten a lot of glass otherwise. I'm glad she ate my food though..at least someone got to, right?

He came back and went straight to his room to watch television in there. There are three working televisions in this house and he wanted to take the only one I watch just to make himself feel better. This might seem like a ridiculous assumption, but if you knew my father you would wholeheartedly agree. Ever since I cut him out of my life, he's tried his best to assert "authority" over me in small aspects of life. He succeeds when I don't feel like wasting a half a second to tarnish my karma.

When Bryan gets home, my father is going to try to be an ass to him as if to make up for his failure in dominating me. Bryan is going to tell him to fuck off, and they'll get into it. Or my father will shut up and learn that we don't look at him as a person, but rather a burden we endure as a punishment for other things we have done. I feel bad, though. Not for him or the life he forced on himself-it could have been different had he only put a little effort into it-but for my mother. As he left he said, "Your mother thinks the world of you, you know." She does, too. She's disappointed by Bryan but still has hope..she keeps her husband around only because she doesn't want to live the last portion of her life alone, and she invests everything in me. I'm her pride and joy and I hate it. I don't really like her much either and for good reasons. But I do lover her as my mother and not just as a person. I love my father as a person for crying out loud... I just wish she would have held out for a better life. Oh well, right?

I'm going to go play video games. I wish the sun was out, it would make me want to go to the beach. Eh, I have sins I need to atone for..in the process of throwing my father, my fingernails sliced him open and my fingertips left indentions. I don't regret it, I just wish I wouldn't have to use up so much good karma in the process.

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