Oreo is in the vet's care tonight. I miss the puppy. She had her ankle break at the growth plate and we don't know how because no one was around. It's brought me down all day long, but I had a momentary repreive at lunch while playing hacky sack.

Jay is not your ordinary guy. He's a really good, kind person who has a lot of friends. He'd never do anything against anyone and would go to many lengths to help them out. He's a version of Isaac Mendoza, but more playful. Jay has a friend named Aaron, I believe that's his name. Have you ever looked at someone and realized instantly that you could very easily get along with that person? Aaron is that person for me.

He spends his lunch period alone, wandering around on the sidewalks until the bell rings for third block. I eat lunch alone, too. Walking or sitting. I remember when I first saw him; he's not one of those people who are afraid of eye contact and we stare at each other while passing ways. I'd like to talk to him and get to know him, but I know that I'll never talk to him after I graduate in less than a month. I don't want to do that to him, you know? I'm not cruel, simple as that.

I've been questioning my answer a lot lately-concering whether or not I still love her. I keep praying that somehow it'll change and I won't love her and I'll have never loved her. It's not happening anytime soon, though. I still love her. I still want her. And sometimes, it feels like I almost need her. I'm glad that we still talk to each other; it makes me feel better. For that brief period of time, I almost feel whole again.

My brother and I were in Gulf Shores on Sunday night. There was a SWARM of college/high school kids there. We ended up talking to these two girls, high school Spring Breakers from Michigan. They were the only ones besides ourselves that really didn't belong there. One of them looked so amazingly much like Alyson that I dreamed of her the next night when I went to sleep. All night lone... She was taller, a little more open with her body, and a little less concerned with certain things. When my brother said he was still burnt after a 5 year relationship...she immediately responded, "Why were you in a relationship that long?" It made me laugh. I'm sure a lot of girls understand her point of view quite well. Hell, I do and I don't ever perscribe to it. It was a good moment in my life.

I tried to talk to Alyson tonight. I actually opened up to her. It was incredibly difficult to open up to her when we were on great terms, needless to say, it was nearly impossible to make the attempt now. it was regected. And in response to my search for myself...she only had "good luck" to say. I'm sure that sounds like the appropriate thing to say, but it's not. It makes me wonder if she ever knew a damn thing about me or if she is really just that awkward around me. I'm tempted to be rude and refrain from talking to her just so that she won't be so awkward. I just can't survive small chat and phrases like "good luck." I'll kill myself before I subject myself to something like that.

My mother told Bryan, my brother, to kill himself. Maybe she should wish him "good luck." My friend is trying to pass Trigonometry so that he can graduate, think I should wish him "good luck?" I'm leaving my life behind and I'm moving somwhere far, far away in a few months, I think I'll need some "good luck" in addition to the money I've already saved up. Good luck...I hope I choke on that and die.

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To write them.
Heart vs mind.