Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.
Forty-ninth Entry. "You're not Uncle Hank."
07-27-2003 | 2:38 p.m.

I am Uncle Hank. I'm sure that doesn't make a terrible amount of sense..but it does. Me and my dad started talking around 2:19 AM and continued on until nearly 6:48 AM.. He was getting gradually more and more intoxicated as the night progressed onward, ending with him swaying to and fro in a width of nearly a foot while just trying to stay on his feet. It wasn't too hard to understand him, though. You get kind of used to understanding baby talk when you spend a lot of time around it...the same is true for drunken speech and generally toasted speech.

I was talking to him about how 49 percent of me yearns for a life with my soulmate and a white picket fence. Five or six kids, a dog, a cat, a pool and so on. However, 51 percent of me yearns to be a hermit. Completely detached from all human contact...utterly void of long-term relationships and kisses..and flings. A life that has me out in the woods living my dreams out as man was originally born. He looked at me and said, "You're not Uncle Hank."

I never knew my Great Uncle Hank. He died before I was born. However, I get the feeling that I am as close as it gets to being Uncle Hank. I've seen pictures of him. I've been to his grave. Heh, he has a speed boat on the headstone. There was something about me being a hermit..me being completely detached from relationships and people that frightened my father with how much like Uncle Hank those statements were. My father has survived some horrible accidents where death should have been a guarantee. I have always believed that surviving such incidents are an exclamation that the survivor still has a very important part to play in the living world. I now know that the reason that he has survived up until last night was so that he could say, "You're not Uncle Hank." Whether or not he has more of a part to play does not matter. He has played his part up until last night, that is all that is important.

I'm not completely positive, but close enough to it, that I can say that Uncle Hank died young without kids. I don't think he had a wife either. I've been told that he was a great man who love life and enjoyed everything that it had to offer. Especially speed boats. He was one of a kind. Well, I think that runs in my dad's side of the family. My Great Uncle Hank, my Aunt Judy, and now me. All three of us have been called to a life of solitude for one reason or another...but so far, I think I'm the only one that yearns to be alone in the wilderness. Maybe Uncle Hank shared that quality, but I don't know.. I do know that Aunt Judy does not. She enjoys the wilderness, but is quite happy in Irvine, California.

Let's just say that me and Uncle Hank share that quality, though. Let's just say that me and him share so many peculiarities that it would be hard to tell where he ends and I begin. I believe that is not just possible, but more than likely. I don't know how to explain it without sounding like a mental patient...but the matter of truth is, that I think nature is trying to build someone. A particular person who will become a certain thing by their own force of will and their own willing submission.

There is a catch, though. Each attempt is not permitted to have offspring of their own and pass on the genes directly. Well, maybe they are..however, the person that nature wants to build is, for some reason, overwhelmed with a desire for solitude that dominates, however slightly, the want for a family of their own. See, here is what I have noticed-not much, and it doesn't go far back because I haven't the slightest of who it came from before Uncle Hank. Uncle Hank had a brother, my Papa-who died on the 7th of this month. Papa had three kids. First, my Aunt Sharon. Second, my father. Third, my Aunt Judy. Uncle Hank may not have had kids of his own, but for some reason, it appears to me that some of his more signature traits went through his brother and into Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy has no kids of her own, but some of her signature traits..as well as Uncle Hank's, went into her brother's second son. Me. So, if I am not the first of this line to have children-something I hope to do-then one of my brother's children will become the next attempt of this person.

This is why I think I am more inclined to have a family than the others...my brother is quite possibly sterile. If he is sterile, how can the next step be made? How can the progression continue? I'll have to have children and hope that the natural progression won't be too greatly affected. Personally, I think it will do the progression good. See, nature failed to create Aunt Judy with Uncle Hank. Nature failed to create me with Aunt Judy. There are all differences between us, differences that are not just due to the times that we exist. So, I think that if the progression is set down a single line...the progression will have no choice but to evolve quicker. I don't know where it will lead to in its final stage..I don't know if I am the final stage and that's why Bryan is sterile. If I am, though, then that's one hell of an unfinished product!

Anyway, I think that there is something to this. I don't know where it is going to lead in the end, and I don't know why exactly it exists in the first place. I don't know how far away it is from completion but I can't help but feel like it's nearing an end. And though I don't know who came before Uncle Hank, I have a feeling that this...as everything...has been a millennia in the making. If only you understood the whirlwind in my mind, but instinct tells me that I'm not permitted to elaborate. I'm so strange..so messed up in the head. It's all coming together, though, and I don't care how insane I am or how over-inflated my ego seems to be, there's something to this.

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Referenced #2
To write them.
Heart vs mind.