Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.
Forty-eigth Entry. Drawer full of condoms.
07-27-2003 | 12:25 a.m.

Alyson came over tonight. In fact, she called me twice today while I was over at Janice and Jim's house. She was looking for me to see if I wanted to do something with her this afternoon. A rare thing...I wonder what sparked it. Maybe she's wants to be friends again? Either way, I was glad for it.

To the point. I returned her call, left a message on her cell, and about an hour later she called me back. She called me to ask if her friend Madison could come over to use the restroom. I suppose they were nearby and my house was closer than either of theirs. OR that Madison's house was an "unsecured" location for such bathroom usage. I will elaborate in a moment.

I had met Madison once before, but had absolutely no recollection of that fact save for that it is a fact. I met her when Alyson looked most beautiful in all the time that I have seen her. I've seen her here and there for three years..and all day everyday for one year. She always looked really beautiful-even when she looked like a young boy in the dim light of a street light pouring into my room while she slept. This, though, was as beautiful as she will ever look in my eyes. So, as you can certainly gather...I wasn't really paying much attention to the rather plain, yet pretty, Madison.

Madison had to take a pregnancy test. Alyson, as pesimistic..or realistic-whichever floats the boat-as ever, was 100 percent positive that Madison was pregnant. I can understand why she wouldn't think her home secure for that. What if someone walked in? What if someone saw her with the test in hand? The box is rather bulky... What if it came out positive and she broke out in tears? Family would definitely be curious and have to get all in the middle of it.

My bathroom was far from being clean. It still is. In fact, it almost always is. So I suggested McDonald's. They should have still been open, it was just up the street, and a whole lot cleaner. Hell, there's blood ALL OVER my bathroom still! There's hair from shaving, old toothpaste globs in the sink, and a general "boy's bathroom" feel to it. Anyway, Alyson replied that Madison needed a bathroom for the use of a pregnancy test. I don't know if she told me that before I suggested McDonald's, but when she said it that time it all came together and hit me. Not like a brick. Not like a fist. I don't know Madison; I'm not close to Madison. Still, though, she is a person..so it did hit. Even if only as a feather.

When she said that I understood why she would want a house over McDonald's. You want a home feel to something like that. Something cozy..or at least more cozy than a McDonald's bathroom. You know? Well, Alyson elaborated such while I thought it. We still connect on small things, I suppose, but I didn't concern myself with cutting off her explanation to say "I know." I remember how much that used to annoy her at times. I might not want her as a partner anymore, but I still wouldn't mind her as a friend.

Well, they both came over and I directed Madison to my mother's bathroom with little hesitation. In fact, now that I think of it, there really wasn't any formal introduction. Alyson spoke of how creepy my room was with my "shrine to my ex-girlfriends." It's not that..it's a shrine to all the good times I've had with people.

A few months ago, I lost all desire in pursuing another relationship. However, I was cleaning my room and came across some old pictures of ex's. Lots of smiles, a few with us kissing, single shots of goofy poses and seductive grins. They reminded me of how great it can be to spend time with people. To invest emotion in people. To trust them..to love them. To give everything to a relationship while holding up a sign saying, "Love or Bust" that speaks more truth than any spoken words ever could. So, glorifying the wonderful times into a collage on my wall, I tried to inspire myself to keep looking for a relationship. And when Crise came along, that was the soul reason why I didn't shy away. I like it there, but in painting my room I took it down. I won't be putting it back up, now. Not because Alyson isn't comfortable with it..but because it has served its purpose and is far from necessary.

Back to the story of the evening. Madison took the test and a single line came up. Negative. Do you pass or fail when you get negative on a pregnancy test? I suppose it depends upon what you want the answer to be. At any rate, it came out how she was praying that it would, and she's going to take another one in the morning. I hope, for her and the possible child's sake, that she is not. I don't think she is. I didn't really think she was when I received the phone call initially. I didn't really have a doubt...and for some reason, I think that it's more than an optimist's view or mere coincidence. Things have been happening lately that can't all be coincidence. I've known things that I have absolutely no way of knowing. It's not creepy. It's a lonely, twilight prayer that has finally been answered. It's years of work and patience finally paying off in a big way. Let's hope I'm right about this.

I wanted to tell her that my top dresser drawer is filled to the brim with condoms. They aren't the greatest, but they do serve their job. You can get a "brown bag special" at the Health Department for free. You just have to have the minor bit of courage to ask for them. They are the colorful ones that run out of lubricant pretty easily, but have an overabundance of spermicide. It's all right for most guys and girls though, because a lot of guys don't really last long even with them on.

I'm not saying that she didn't use one to begin with-I know that they do break-but I don't get the impression that she did. I would gladly give her a handful to use if she wanted, and then next time she's with whomever, she can be at least that much safer. It really isn't any of my business, though, but I just like to help. It was out of my place, though, so I didn't bother to say anything.

So Alyson said she was going to call me tomorrow to see if I wanted to do anything in the afternoon with her. I might be away, but not to avoid her call. I have to pick up my mom from work and take my brother to work. Not in that order, but either way, it shouldn't take up much time. I kind of hope we do hang out. I miss her. I openly miss her. For some reason though, I don't harbor any real lingering feelings for her. I had feelings for Courtney and Meghan and Jess for years after parting ways with them. It has only been a few months with me and Alyson. Though, when I put up that collage..or maybe just before...I no longer harbored any intimate feelings for her. I still harbored some for Courtney and distant ones for Meghan for some reason. And then, sometime while I was with Crise...those, too, died. In short, I'd like to hang out with Alyson as a friend. Finally, I can look at her and not want her or a return to our past...or even be worried that my want might return. It's good to be in such safe company.

I could write pages more, but if I lay down even another paragraph...it'll be past a diary entry...past a short story...and well on its way to being a short book the size that early teen's are expected to read for their summer reading. With that, goodnight.

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Referenced #2
To write them.
Heart vs mind.