4/19/03
9:12 AM
Obviously a late entry...a really late entry, but don't beat me up about it. I mean, at least I remembered it was there, right?

Our phone lines got cut about two days ago. Our cable is going to be cut soon, as well. My name is Darren and I live in poverty. I like it fine enough, however, it does have its obvious downfalls. I can't sign on to post on my diary, I can't cheer myself up with the night's episode of "Futurama", and I can't buy a damn thing.

So, I'm selling my soul for a good pension plan. In the military, you can give 20 years of service and retire...and get a nice check in the mail every month. I qualify for a LOT of things because I did absolutely wonderful on the ASVAB. I have the Navy, Army, and Air Force calling me nonstop-for that reason, it's kind of nice to not have a phone-and I'm thinking which would be the best. I was thinking a lot about the Navy, personally. I mean, I'd like the Air Force, but it would make me think of how I can't fly because I don't have 20/20 vision. The Army...I didn't care much about it, then Bryan went in there and talked to the recruiters again..and..well...they have an appeal now.

I qualify for everything. Including the Green to Gold program which would have me as an officer in no time. Hell, I'd be entering boot camp as an E3 which isn't bad considering that I've never had a day of ROTC or anything along those line. An officer's pension after 20 years of service...I get a decent rank and retire and I'll never have to work again unless I want to..with or without a family. That sounds pretty good, doesn't it? Well, I'm not even 20 years old yet so how in the hell can I say that I know how long 20 years are?

I don't like America. I don't believe in its values. I don't care for its populus, and I sure as hell don't want to risk a damn thing protecting them and the "innocent." Only, the Army does not require its pilots to have 20/20 vision. Meaning...I only have to pass a few written tests to come out of flight school with my own helicopter. I could drop troops into hostile territory, or I could fly an Apache and annihilate threats while risking my own life. Does flying really mean that much to me? Maybe...we'll see.

I want to move out of Mobile. The truth is, that even with the rate at which we've been saving up, it's little more that a dream. So, instead, it's almost definite that I'll end up signing on with the Army. I won't like it, but the truth is that I need the institution. Not the discipline, I have that. Not the structure, I have way too much of that. Honestly, it's just the institution that I need. The finely tuned machine of an organization that carries you along its set path with ease. High school, but better.

I like choosing my own path. I like to have the painful freedom of limiting the infinite to whatever I see fit. It's a beautiful thing, really. However, it makes things so much easier when there is an institution already in place that is willing to carry you along that path. It's a good choice, really..and for me it'll be a win, win situation.

You wouldn't believe what I had to do to get to sleep last night. I worked out and exerted myself beyond all my limits. I nearly passed out, I nearly puked, but I kept it together with a thin, silken thread. I took a shower and could hardly find enough strength to keep my arms up while I washed my hair. I thought it would be so easy...close my eyes and let the night take me in.

I laid in the bed and traded positions a hundred times. I finally got to sleep and in an hour's time...I woke up again. It was horrible, to say the least. I rolled over onto my side and almost immediately a cool, sweet memory washed over me in the sweetest, cruelest delight. I could feel her body pressed against my own...She was wearing an overshirt and her underwear while I was in my boxers. She was tight against the wall and softly pressed to my back. Her arms were wrapped around me and her legs were curled into the nook my own bent legs created. Her feet tangled with my own in a lover's knot. I could feel the delicate tendrils of her hair tickling my sunburnt back...her moist breath pouring over my neck. She smelled so good....

I got to sleep, finally. A nice, warm, refreshing sleep. I was tempted to roll over and witness the sleep of an angel. I wanted to kiss those soft, tender lips...and whisper my love in her ear. I wanted to hold her all night long and cry as my life returned to something worth living. I didn't though. I knew that if I did, the false moment would be revealed for my hopeless fancy. Sometimes it's easier to live a lie...

I still miss her. Almost just as bad as initially. She's happy, though. I glad for that. I'm not, but I will be sooner or later. And it's not like it's been 4 months of pure pain. I've had a lot of fun, been really happy, felt a peace that some never feel...all that in this short time. It's only a matter of time until by body forgets..until my emotions recover..until my soul repairs and my mind forgives.. Only a matter of time, I hope I have the patience to wait it out.

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Heart vs mind.