Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.
Sixtieth Entry. A few busy days.
08-05-2003 | 12:06 p.m.

1:48 AM

Well, I have a LOT to update since my last entry. I've been meaning to get around to it sooner, but it's just that I've actually been busy. Busy! Me? Yeah, it's a definite shocker, isn't it?

Two Friday's ago, me and Mimi had planned to get drunk. A late birthday gift to me-even though I don't drink. Really, it was more of a "thank you" to Mimi that I even allowed it. I wanted to spend time with her before I ship out-15 days!-while doing something that she actually enjoyed doing. She wanted to get wasted with me for years now...and I gathered that it wouldn't be too bad to just get drunk.

Mimi and I always have tentative plans, though. In fact, out of all the plans we have made with each other through the years, only a handful of them have actually come together. So, it was no surprise when we could not get drunk on Friday. See, she couldn't cash her check in time, so we planned it for the next Friday.. And again, the plan fell through. The same reason, I believe. "Saturday," we said, "Saturday, we'll do it."

Guess what? We did! She came over and we drank about a bottle of 80 proof vodka in all. Half of one bottle, and nearly a half of another. She came over around 3 PM and we drank until midnight. Well, I did. She spent a few short hours to sober up so that she could drive home. Meanwhile, I got thrashed. I wasn't swaying when I stood up...I could see straight, think straight, and keep all my words from slurring. Don't let that fool you, though, I was drowning in alcohol! And, get this, I enjoyed it!

I wasn't looking forward to it, actually. I was rather worried, to tell the truth. You see, when I get drunk I get urges. I can't stand myself drunk. I make passes at women and speak all these lines, and persuade people to hug me...to kiss me..and then to sleep with me. I honestly didn't think I'd convince Mimi to kiss me, really. That's not what I was worried about-she's very faithful to Germ and I wouldn't want to break that up for anything. What I was worried about, though, was making a complete ass out of myself because I couldn't contain myself. I don't have those kind of feelings for Mimi-she is beautiful..intelligent..and everything I look for in a girl, but after quite some time I realized that I wanted her as a friend as opposed to anything else. The problem is, when I'm drunk, I have those kind of feelings for every skirt on Earth. Hence, I do NOT drink.

We talked of Isaac Mendoza and how he is the ideal human. We talked of our friendship and her friendship with Brittany. We talked of life and how interesting it all is. We talked of objective thought and all sorts of other things. We talked for hours over numerous screwdrivers and our friendship...that friendship that we used to have so long ago...was born again. It was like nothing had ever happened..like for those brief moments, she was my best friend again and I was hers. I didn't make a pass, I didn't make an ass out of myself at all. I was so proud of my control. I didn't even get the urge! It was just what I needed, and now, I'll be a little more comfortable when she comes back over so that we can finish off the rest of the vodka.

Then, I decided that I was going to alter my diary. Not really change it, no. I like how it looks. However, I want to put the links-"Contact Me" through "Leave me a note"-in a table. I'm not great with HTML. Basically, the skill level required to design my diary in its present state it the limit of my knowledge of HTML. Needless to say, the complexities of a table were a little too much for me to tackle.

I messed around with "The Link Table"-my dreaded torture device-for hours. I made my diary look so horribly disfigured that it looked like it belonged on one of the "Hellraiser" movies. Seriously. Hours later, though, I realized that I'd just be better off returning my format to how it was before I started the whole process. My diary will be looking spifferific by the end of the week, though. Trust me, I will smite "The Link Table" in all its putridness!

On a related note, I took my film to Wal-Mart today. I keep buying these disposable cameras they sell there for really cheap with 27 exposures. I have countless pictures of Crise already and this new batch of film should contain a few pictures of her as well. And a lot of me...and some of Mimi, too! There are plenty of other pictures, though, where there's a sunset or a spider as the subject. Really beautiful images, I hope they come out. Especially this one I took of a HUGE banana spider in my backyard that had a skull on its back in its natural design.

Now keep in mind, that I said that I took it in today. Today is Monday. Well, it's 2:34 AM Tuesday...but still. I won't get my film back until Friday. See, I didn't want the two-day developing. One, because I'm patient. Two, because I don't feel like spending 4 more dollars because I don't feel like being patient. The thing is, though, that the film won't get sent off until Tuesday..today (confusing, isn't it?) for developing. And, for the finale, it has to wait another day so that the pictures can be put on a disc! Yay! You know what that means, right? It means that next week, I'm going to have more pictures up! Of spiders and sunsets and me topless and Mimi and maybe even some of Crise! Isn't that just wonderful! You bet it is! My diary...is going to be spifferific!

Onto Crise. I'm going to be writing an entry that is going to paraphrase all of my time with Crise. It won't be until a day or two before I leave. See, I was going to never see her again for personal reasons. Not reasons of my own benefit, no, but reasons of her own benefit. I don't really care to explain it, but to elaborate just a little more...I didn't want to complicate things for her. This plan has obviously fallen through.

I had made up my mind, though, and things come together for me when I do. See, when I make up my mind, it's like all the forces of nature become this collective incarnation of my will. It sounds more magnificent than it really is.. But here's how it works:
I didn't have a phone while I was talking to her, so she really didn't know my phone number to call me when I did get it back. She really didn't know how to get to where I live. There are flaws with this, though. There are still ways for her to get ahold of me. You see, I gave her a card with my address and my phone number on it. So, when she thought of calling to see if my phone was back..her cell phone got cut off. When she thought of having someone drive her to my house so that she could see me...Matt's car got repossessed. And had she decided to be persistent and use other routes...all of them would get cut off.

I signed online, though, and she saw me online. So, she sent me an instant message and we have been talking since. I thought that Alyson was the exception the rule. I thought Alyson was the one that I conceded to at all costs. She was..I gave in to her upon her very whim and I wouldn't have traded that for anything. Hell, if I was given the chance to change that now, I still wouldn't. However, I have recently discovered that she is not the exception to the rule.

Crise is the paradox of my life. There is nothing that makes sense when it comes to her. Normally, I would have stayed away. If not, I would have made her want to hate me so that my company would be the last thing that she wanted. I've gone over to see her numerous times, though. In fact, I spent the night at her house on Sunday night. She's still with Matt...and I came back over Monday. For some reason, I don't really care if she's with Matt or not. I couldn't care less who she's with...and I don't understand why. It is a paradox lacking any explanation further than she is an exception the rule that exceeds the power of my internal institutions. With Alyson, I freely gave in...With Crise, I give in before I have a chance to ponder the matter. It doesn't make sense..and it shouldn't be...but it is and there's nothing I can do about it.. nothing I really want to do about it. Enjoy life, that's a good motto. Especially with things like this.

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Flashes of High School
Summer of Change
No Brass, No ammo
Lost in Translation

Last Five

And that's that.
Referenced #2
To write them.
Heart vs mind.