Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.
Predestination.
18 September 2004 | 14:31

I'm in one of those moods, again. The type where everything is irritating. Where even pleasure has an aggravated sting. But I'm the type to poke and prod. And I'm gouging at my mood trying to see how bad I can make it.

It's not what I want to do. I want it to fix itself. It'd be fine to wait out the tumultous storm and see where it lands me, but I know already where that will leave me. And to be quite honest, I'm just not up for that right now.

I need a change. A serious change that will cast a different glow on everything. Not to make it all different, but to make me different. I've been needing it for awhile, but I've put it off. That's why this mood is here now.

I'm soft again. I need to grow harder. Stronger. Things are bugging me way too much. They should bother me, yes, but it's getting in the way of living. It should bother everyone-these things that bother me. But they don't. I think it's about fucking time I enlighten them to the facts. Why does everyone want to buy an illusion? Why do they run from the truth? Why in the hell would anyone accept a lie that they know to be false as the unquestioned truth?

I'm so exhuasted of it. I knew I had a task here, but I didn't think I still had the ability to achieve it. Yet, I've been made so weary that I have no other choice but to achieve it at least in part. I guess I really don't have a choice anymore. I kind of like that.

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Heart vs mind.