I'm glad that I extracted myself from that sesspool of scum and boredom. I'm happy to have left everything behind in a neatly wrapped package labeled "farewell." It's done me a lot of good. Especially since I keep trying to go back to the sesspool and scratch open the package. Too bad I knew it was going to happen.

I had another realization today. Not one of the good ones, though, where your skin tingles, your smile broadens uncontrolably, and the whole world seems to have gone a few shades lighter. No, this was one of those ones that cause a little bit of pain, but save you a whole lot of trouble in the end. I guess I'm glad to have had it, but it hurts a little. Finality always has a little bit of a sting.

No matter how much I want her, it won't work. I'm not as merciful as I once was, and I'm always off and away. She'd never be able to handle it. She'd back herself into corners of doubt and fear. I'd push, and get resentful. I'd distance myself, and when I realized that I want to fix everything... I'd come to find that she'd finish what I started. And it would be over. Done. And there'd only be the void of pain so vast that I can only glimpse at parts of it. Take a dosage every night, just enough to shed one tear. Just enough to dream of her. Just enough for a life of misery. And I don't want that.

I want her night and day. She's what completes every thought, every sentence. She's the star of every dream. And at night, when it's really cold...I can almost feel her draping her warmth on me like a blanket. But it's just my blanket. Just my fantasy.

Most people have fantasies of perversion. I suppose I'm the same. The perversion I choose is a love that's a eulogy away from buried...

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And that's that.
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Heart vs mind.