Another layout change for my other journal today. I drew out all the images on my own with Adobe photoshop-I'm really liking that program. My layouts remain compact, but this one...it's perhaps the best one I've had yet. I'm fond of the layout here, yes. However...the layout on the private journal...it's a very personal design. I'm nearly in love with it, even though I could still make improvements that I doubt I'll bother with.

But that's not the only thing I did today. It was kind of cold today-in the 50's. So I threw on my jeans, shirt, Murphy drama sweatshirt that I never thought I'd wear till the day it came in, and headed out the door to do what I'd been wanting to do for a month now.

The bus fare in nonexistant on post. You can ride the 6.2 mile perimeter all day without coughing up a dime-It's like that on all military installations. And that's what I was wanting to do today. Oversized headphones with music roaring, I road around with the breeze chilling my bones and numbing my hands while I read "Life-Size." About three hours, and perhaps I would have finished it if it wasn't so hard for me to read. Two years ago would have been no problem. But now, when almost the only thing that goes through my mind is food/calories...it's hard to read that book.

I enjoyed my ride, though, and perhaps I'll do it again soon. Maybe tomorrow, even. And I'll try to finish the book, or at least get close. I need to finish it so I can start on another book. So I can send it back and never look at it again or read it or think about it.

I've decided that I need to stop caring about my food. Exercise, compulsive or not, is where I should rest my mind rather than the crumbs I cram into my gullet. The last time I was truly happy, I didn't give a damn what I ate. And I think that's why I keep going through this needless cycle of unwarranted depression. It's over, I'm bored with it.

Every morning at the moment I wake, I roll out of bed in my boxers, go straight to the bathroom, and force any waste out that I can before I stand on my scale. After PT, I do the same. I won't let myself back on it until the moment before I go to sleep, and I have to be in my boxers or less... It's not fun. It's not some game I like to play with myself. It's a painful habit I'm going to kick. And I won't be looking back...

I came into the Army at 165 lbs. in August of last year. Not bad for a male of 5'9" that didn't really care about his weight/shape to begin with. Over that winter and spring, I went up to 172 lbs. Then, just before March of this year, I got up to 186 lbs. I had to get taped in order to pass height/weight requirements. And after being here a while, I got up to 190 lbs. with very little fat percentage. But I looked in the mirror and all I could see was mass. I didn't care if it was muscle or fat, or how taught it all was. I was far too large for my taste...and now, I'm way too small.

It took me just a short few months to lose 45 pounds. I got on the scale this morning and blinked with weary eyes to see 145 lbs. I got off and checked to see if it was zeroed properly. Put a few weights on it to make sure it was reading correctly. Got back on, 145 pounds. I wanted to become slender, but not this way. I'll continue to work-out, but I'm going to get some food in me....some "meat on my bones." Wouldn't mind being 165 again at all...

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And that's that.
Referenced #2
Referenced
To write them.
Heart vs mind.