Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.
Face up in the grass.
23 January 2005 | 18:47

Great Uncle Hank, as fas as I'm aware, didn't have a family. I take it that he died single. My Aunt Judy has spent her life single, and I think she'll stay that way. Now it's time for the new generation. And there's me and Jeff to pick from. Personally, I don't see my cousin getting married, but I know that one day he will. As for me, I've been single for the past ten months. And I know I'm still young, but I know that I won't be involved in any serious relationships for the remainder of my enlistment.

A few years ago, all I could think about was running off to the woods and being a hermit. Making my life with my hands and nothing else. I still want to do that, and I will. How long I'll stay is being pondered, but it'll be no less than three months. And while I've wanted a wife and kids with the white picket fence and the stupid dog that gnaws on its own foot for as long as I've like girls...being a hermit isn't exactly going to help me out with the whole family thing. Nor is being a hermit something a real family man wants. Or, at least, I shouldn't want it so bad if I really just want a family.

When I get out of the Army, should I choose to not re-up, I will be 25. I'll finish up with either the physics or zoology degree shortly thereafter. And should I not find Her in my arms by that point, I'll be the one to carry this generation's single-slot. It's a lot to spend a lifetime without that haggard looking ball-and-chain waking up next to you on the 10th birthday of your fourth grandchild. It's a reality I wish I had know, but only with all the joys and pains that come with the age and proven love. In all truth, though, I've pretty much stopped thinking about it. I don't really care anymore. I see women that I'm attracted to, and I smile, and they smile...and maybe they flirt or I flirt...but it all means nothing to me. I don't care for it follow anything past that.

I keep thinking that this change in my life is just Korea. That when I get back stateside, it will all change and I'll find Her in months and be married within the next two years. Reason is strong with me, though. I know that it's just mindless fancy to fill my free-time. Chances are, I'll volunteer to work late and come in on the weekends. I'll get deployed, come back and take a week off, then pick it right back up again. Never enough time to even hope for romance or intimacy. And since I'll never pay for sex as a product, I'll probably get laid in a few years from now in a drunken one-night stand that I'd never go for sober. And with my luck, I'll have flashbacks for years to come trying to figure out if that was an Adam's Apple, or my imagination.

As pathetic as it might sound, I can't help but enjoy it. Today was an abnormally good day. It was warm enough to walk around in a short-sleeve and jeans-yesterday my hands were frostbit on the way home from work at 1930. The sun was out, the sky was clear, and I couldn't help but think of how great it was. Didn't want company. Didn't want anything. Just wanted to sit back and enjoy the day, you know? I miss those summer days when I'd lay topless in the grass face up to the sun and just let myself feel warm.

So, if I stay single forever, so be it. I'm happy. And at least Today was a pretty damn good day. And nothing else matters.

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