I'm so fucking pissed off. I tried my best to go the entire day without making some snide comment...without being a jackass in any way. I did my best until the day went sour.

Since the moment I typed and posted that I'm content a few entries back, I haven't been content. I've been increasilngly agitated. I never get headaches. They have, seriously, never been a problem for me. And yesterday I spent the entire day with a pain, sharp and fierce pulsing in my skull like a twisting dagger.

I do my best to be nice. And normally, when I pretend to hit someone it's sarcastic. Entirely sarcastic. And I think nothing of it and niether does anyone else. Today, I had ratchet in my hand and I could barely refrain from slamming the hard metal of it into someone's elbow or skulll. Anything that would crack loud enough for me to hear it. And for a minute they thought I was joking. Pretending like I always do. But then, they saw just how much of a struggle I was having to not rip their intestines from their belly and feed them to him. He backed away. Strange thing is, I really wasn't mad at him at all.

I hevent got a decent night's sleep in two nights. That doesn't seem like much, does it? I laid in bed for three hours the first night. Tossing and turning. I tried a hundred things, even calling someone whose voice soothes me. And she had to go...class. Fuck.

Last night, I spent six hours staring with open eyes into the darkness. I couldn't sleep. I was so exhausted..I couldn't keep my eyes open, so they'd close. And two seconds later, they'd shoot open and stay that way for a few minutes before the same process repeated itself. I don't understand why it's so damn hard to try to fucking sleep! I'm getting ready to take some pills. Sleeping pilss, No-doze, I don't care. Enough of anything will make me pass out.

I got a call today. Kate. She's beginning to love me. I haven't seen her for two months. She misses me and all that bullshit. You know, I believed it at first. And so I went to see her, and I got nothing more than a cold shoulder. And now she wanted to start bitching at me because I haven't come to see her and she misses me and loves me so much!? I haven't fucking talked to my friends or family for more than two hours put together in the last month. I haven't seen the sun for but maybe four hours this last month. And some girl who I've played pool with a countable number of times wants to bitch at me because I don't love her!? Fuck off.

I'm normally ver responsive to women. I love them and don't want to hurt them. But I recall three times when we planned to do something in her free time that she didn't make. I recall going to Italy Pizza and waiting with eager, fidgetting hands for her.. I ordered the pizza and thought by the time she showed, it'd be ready. And my palms sweaty and eyes anxious to see her smile...And one hour, a medium pizza, a mile walk and a cab ride later...she calls telling me she just woke up. That her alarm clock didn't wake her. A loud, screeching bell didn't wake her. A fucking cell-phone vibrating on wood wakes me up in the morning. If I'm what she wanted, she wouldn't treat me like shit.

I leave in less than two months. And she wanted to blame that on me. Pleaded for me to take me with her. I've kissed her only a few times. All pecks on the lips and never once was there any passion in her affection. I gave up on her two months ago...and though she is persistent for unkown reasons...I'll not be her doll.

My day has really pissed me off, but Kate's audacity has made me furious. I've hung up on very few people in my life. And now Kate is one of them. I tried to make her smile, but if she won't return the favor...I'll not continue my lessons in futility.

So, to summarize my day and present emotions, I'll just use two words rather than the novel above... Restless Rage.

Now I'm going to go fuck off.

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Heart vs mind.