Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.
Mira el futuro
11 November 2005 | 00:37

I'm a wee bit of a lush right now, so bear with me. Tonight was the formal, and it was quite the blast. I drank a mixture of some various alcoholic categories. Everything from wine, spirits, booze, and up to Tennesse moonshine all in one sip of the Grog. quite tasty, too. It was a wonderful event that I wish I would of had a date for. Ana. Lidia. Even Mimi as a friend. Speaking of the last little bit, I have some updating to do, don't I?

First off, I'm not sure where me and Ana are headed. But we are both very serious about wherever it is. I am expecting mail from her mid next week, and I do pray that it will help to clarify things a bit. Seeing how she doesn't speak a lick of English and the letter she's replying to was in English, it could be complicated. Even more so, becuase without thought, I know she wrote in Spanish. It's good that I know how to read and write it. Good thing, indeed, huh? And along with it, some small thing I am expected to enjoy. I'm sure that I will. Honestly, I've never met a woman quite like her. Never so strong, which, incidentally, is the single greatest turn-on that I have...strength. Not in the weight lifting, no breast-having, man-woman way....but the internal, unbreakable spirit way.

Lidia I met while I was in NC. A wonderful woman who combines five histories of mine all into one. First, she is a younger woman. Second, she is latin...Mexican, to be precise. Third, she is a cleaning lady. Fourth, she is another woman of firsts...I am sure that I am a first for her. And fifth, she's the second "Lidia / Lydia" that wants to marry me. She is beautiful, indeed. Relatively fluent in English...and what can't be communicated in that language, we can communicate in Spanish together. She is, by far, the best kisser I've ever had the extreme pleasure of pressing lips with. And, she's...well....forward and fun to say the least.

Meanwhile, Mimi and I are slowly establishing friendship again. It is a slow, hard process. And, I do believe, that most of the work is coming from me. It was that way in Korea, and still again. At times, I wonder if it's a friendship that I really want to keep or just want to abandon. As honest as I am, I must admit that it hurts to call her my friend. Not because we have been more....surprisingly....but because I don't know why I try so hard for something that I have to question if it is mutual or not. And if friendship cannot be mutual...what can it be? Nothing. I'll wait a while. Things like this require extensive recovery time, and if recovery cannot be had...well, we'll leave it where it lies then, won't we? Indeed.

Every relationship has taught me a little more with time. This past one has taught me more than ever. I have to fight for what I want. What I want has to be worth fighting for. Loneliness is temporary. Barriers are meant to be overcome. And most of all, if you love...let it be known without boundry. Don't hesitate. Don't think on pause for a single second. For in that second, all can be lost.

I have slowly made the shift. But the "I" that was claimed to be lost...has been recovered. I am back to who I was...and a far bit better. I needed a lot to remind me of who I was and who I am...but, no matter what, I am who I should be. And that, that alone, pleases me to no end.

Lo siento, mi amor. Te amo ahora mismo. Te amo siempre. Te amo con todo mi corazon. Y uno dia, yo sera con tu y tu con me. Pero ahora...miramos a el futuro.

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