It's not a death wish in the conventional way. I don't wish to die; that is hardly the case. But I do wish that what came so close to taking mine would return. I wish that it would come at me with all its force.

I pray for a tornado to whirl its lashing spiral about me and toss me through the air like a wiffle ball. I yearn for muggers with no-witness intentions. Plead for a coma that will leave my mind barely able to cling to life.

Ever since that moment when everything was almost lost...I can't help but to push the issue. Can't help but to see if my body is fragile or strong. To know the limits this life holds. And while I don't want death, I do not fear its face. I do not quiver in its name. I call for it nightly, to know answers that are forbidden to the living.

It is not a death wish. It is a challenge. It is a decisive battle. It is a quest.

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