I strongly believe that I am the most complex person that I have known thus far. It's mainly due to my emotions. I am quite unlike most people, and very much a paradox. I am a loner who is more readily away from people than with...while still caring for others-stranger or no-in a much deeper sense than most. Yet, I'm still distant; often mistaken as emotionless. Robert Young Pelton put it best when describing relations within his own family, "we are more distant emotionally than geographically."

Exploring a medical explanation for this, I venture to say it's a developmental malfunction. Perhaps the portion of my brain reserved for emotion is under developed by comparison. Perhaps it is correctly developed, but only getting limitied connectivity and therefore limited emotional strength. Perhaps the chemicals and proteins are askew. Who knows, and better yet, can it be fixed? To both, I do not know...nor do I think it matters much. Especially at this stage in the game.

There could be a thousand reasons for this peculiarity. This quirk of the feelings. Either way, I do have them. I am a ball of emotion encased in flesh. Many of them strong, if not stronger, than my counterparts. Yet some I just translate differently than a vast majority. Love. Missing someone. Loss. The real basic, fundamental emotions, really.

I do love. And when I do, I do so with all my heart. Yet, I don't show it the same at others. Nor do I think do I feel it quite the same either. It's not a swooping, consuming emotion than drives my thoughts and actions. It's more of an acknowledgment. An understanding of sorts. That "this is a person whom I love." Some venture to claim that this is NOT love. I venture to claim they are no expert on my emotions. It IS love. I do feel it with every inch of my immeasurable soul. However, translated...it's not consuming. It's simply present.

When I miss someone, it does not hurt. I do not spend long hours yearning to be with them. My mind is not overcome. Again, it is not consuming. Also, I do not miss people often, and I only miss those incredibly dear to me. To this day, I've missed only but a small handful of people. When I do miss them, though, it's more of me wanting to share a moment with them. Wishing they were here not so that I can be "complete" or happy...but because it would be nice if they were around. Better. It's not a need. It's a want. And I feel it as such.

Loss is tricky with me because in conjunction with my dissimilar emotions, I do have an admittedly thick outer shell. Key word being thick, as in, not impenetrable. So when I've lost someone I care for...it's peculiar and strange to me. I experience it as something haven been taken...but not exactly from me. I don't feel as though it's a loss I, myself, have experienced. Rather, I experience it as a general loss. In cases of loss of life, to me it's not exactly a personal loss. I HAVE lost something...a friend, which is a greivous thing. However, my friend has lost life...and it is that loss that I experience much deeper. It's not that I will no longer be able to talk to them that is saddening; it is that my friend can no longer talk to me...or any of their other friends. It is worse that they can no longer breathe in fresh air, feel the strong joy of a simple laugh, or hold those that they once loved. It is THEIR loss, and I have lost as well, buy my tragedy is small and pale in comparison. And in that sense, I feel it that way too. Small and selfish when I think of "my" loss....but powerful and moving when I think of their loss.

It's clear to at least me how terribly strong a force my own emotions are. Ripping through me like everyone else. It's a difference of what does move me, though. And those emotions which I do not distinctly display are neither absent nor defaulted as mild. Rather I experience and display them with personal attribute and attention as opposed to generally accepted emotional dogma.

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And that's that.
Referenced #2
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To write them.
Heart vs mind.