Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.
Fairground swings.
19 January 2009 | 22:10

I don't excite very easy. And sometimes, when I've reached the apex of glory..I look out and ask, "is this it? Is this all?" The moment is hollow.. And while I enjoy it, it's as though something is missing. Something is always missing. And it keeps me from relishing the moment like I should. Like a normal person would.

It was over a decade ago when it first happened. When life first threw me this curveball. I was a teenager at the county fair and wanted to ride the swings. I used to love the thrill of being that high with so little keeping me safe as I flew over everyone. I loved the swings and excitement it gave me. And my mom knew I liked them, so she waited while I got in line and rode them.

Parents enjoy bringing a smile to their children's faces. No less can be said about my mother, and she wanted to see me smile. So she watched every time I went around and around again looking for me. Looking for my smile. Looking for something that wasn't there.

I remember being up there and enjoying it. I remember the cold, brisk wind washing over me. All the bright lights. And I remember thinking, "is this it? Is this all?" After that thought, I still enjoyed it..but it was hallow. As if I knew that this was the best it could be..and it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to smile about. It wasn't enough to suffice me. The rest of the night was tainted with that. The Gravitron. The Bumper Cars. It was like someone had died and I was just going through the motions.

When I got down from the swings, though, my mom asked me if I had any fun. She was saying that I asked to go to the swings and wanted to know why if something was wrong because it didn't seem like I had any fun at all. I did have fun. I did enjoy it. But it was empty and so was I after that thought.

It's the smallest thoughts that sometimes have the biggest impact on our lives. And everytime I have the one, simple inquiring thought...whatever undertaking I question that was once fun...is never the same again.

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