If you think of yourself as a great man, all you need for a little perspective is to look into the past. I've hurt a lot of people. I've made a lot of mistakes. I'm a real asshole.

From time to time I look to peer into the past and remind myself of exactly who I am because I have a tendency to forget. Let me say from the onset, I'm often not proud of who I have been, which often leads to change. I'd like to say that it's always good change, but I'm none to sure. I just end up making different mistakes.

I used to make a lot of friends. Very close, intimate friends. We'd share secrets and be as close as close can be. And I'd ruin everything. Always. That's not me being hard on myself, either. That's the honest truth. I would do something truly unforgivable and I'd know it was unforgivable at the time. Or, much more frequently, I'd disappear. I would completely vanish from their lives and never return.

Why?

I think it was a game to me, or something. I think I was just rying to rack up points and even if I liked the person I'd just mess it all up so that I had a reason to start all over again with someone else. I've had some of the most amazing things said about me that very few people can boast. And then I'd hurt them or just disappear? The only solution I've really found is to stop making friends. I now only have one friend and thank God I still have her. Not just so that I have someone sitll, but so that I can know there's at least one person I haven't betrayed. I'd say that for my wife..but going back through some of the things she's had to say about me... I hurt her just like everyone else...and only out of luck do I still have her.

Is this why I don't like thinking about myself? Why I don't like being around people? Because I'm too ashamed of all I've done? Becuase I know I'm not half as great as I think I am? Perspective is good. It shows us where we really stand in the world.

I am sorry to all those that I have hurt or vanished on. I'm sorry that I made you think I was reliable and when you leaned on me..I left you to fall. I'm sorry to those that leaned on me, and I shoved away. I'm sorry for my betrayal. And I am sorry to two of you more so than any other. I am sorry to you, 'Chele. I know what I did was beyond cruel and I deserve whatever happens to me as a result. And I am sorry to you, Tressia. It takes a strong woman to love me, and I'm sorry that I hurt you so bad as to test your strength and resilience.

I hope one day I can be the man who has earned every last of those generous words spoken of me. I pray that I can be someone worth being. And I dream that I can do enough good to outweigh all the bad I've caused. Time will tell.

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