I laid there deep and covered in my sleeping bag. It had been days since I last saw myself. I'd spent days dirty and real again, in the cold and dark beneath the light of the moon and the stars. I was lost somwhere in fog encased in razor wire. But in that sleeping bag, I was warm.

I thought of my face. How I see it as opposed to how others see it. How incongruent the two really are...and the diconnection between what I see in pictures as opposed to what I see in the mirror.

The pictures capture congeniality. I'm soft and approachable. Smiling, goofy, and inviting. Yet, I look the mirror and see solemness. Quiet roughness with a hardened stare and stern. Where do I really fall, though? Somewhere in between? Somewhere outside both extremes? I don't know anymore and I think it has to do with another issue aside but somehow linked to my own face. My real identity.

I experience so much life on the outside of my emotion. I look at all these scenarios that are external of my life and I remember how I used to feel about that situation. Not how I currently feel. It's like going by a new store converted from an old one. No matter how many times you pass it, you don't see what's there now...you see what used to be there...and you know it not there...that you're never going to see it again....and you long for it...just to see it..and you know it's pointless but you can't help but hope for hope's sake that you'll see it there if just one last time.

Sometimes, I don't feel real. Everything that is normal..that I know to be right...just seems so lost on me. To be so different makes me a bit lonely. And it's nothing new. And I like being lonely a little. Not because I like being all alone, though. But because being alone isn't forced. There's no mask. There's no pretend. And when I'm alone, I know what my face looks like. I know who I am and I don't feel so lost... I look back sometimes...and I don't recognize any of it.

So much change is set ahead of me. It will either derail me or set me straight again. I like to err on the side of hope because it's better to have something to lose...so I'm thinking it'll set me straight again. I've been away from "me" for too long. It's a needed reunion and I look foward to it immensely.

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And that's that.
Referenced #2
Referenced
To write them.
Heart vs mind.