I didn't go to prom last night. It really hurts being me sometimes. I mean, I knew my first day at Murphy that I wouldn't be attending prom, but I always took it as one of those events that I'd end up being dragged into afterall. I wanted to go and I'm already [slightly] regretting that I didn't. I'm a senior, you know..and I didn't go last year either. It was so expected, though. I'm really not liking this.

I told people that I'd most likely end up watching "GATTACA" while eating pizza and passing out afterwards. It was one of those empty plans that you know won't happen. See, I'm broke and my parents are broke and we don't really have the money to even rent the damn thing because of Bryan and his late fees at Blockbuster. It ended up, however, that my parents bought some pizza at the store while they were picking up some dog food and milk..a supreme and a five cheese. Well, my father is a moron. He put them both in the oven together-both of them requiring different temperatures-and set them on the bottom rack 25 degrees higher than even the more demanding pizza required. The five cheese pizza was for me and Bryan to share with crust about as thick as a flattened pancake. I ended up scraping off the crusty cheese and a very thin layer of the breading so that the charcoal could stay where it belonged, not inside me. My father protested saying that he "did what the box said..." Problem is, no one said anything and he ended up storming off and smoking. What a moron...even I, the worst cook known to mankind-has actually burned macaroni and cheese..have never once burnt pizza. What a moron.

It turns out that I came into a few dollars today. Quite a wonder, actually. So, with the cash, I bought myself a new right, front tire and a pair of sandals. That is somewhat quizzical, in truth, really. See, I'm a vegetarian and I don't really have some moral issue with eating meat. In all honesty, I couldn't care less. I think meat tastes great, too! While I have no problem with eating meat, though, I also have no problem with leather. The sandals I bought today are made of leather. Seven dollars and thirty-something cents; a great buy if I say so myself. I like them and just in time for summer, no?

I had about $21 left after all this and was going to use the money to put into my gas tank so that I could visit Gulf Shores. I'm not in the mood for the beach is the problem in that logic, however. If I would of gone I would've sat on the hood of my car and stared at the crashing waves from the parking lot-fun in certain moods, but boring as hell in the one I know I would have been in. Besides, I'm undergoing an experiment to see how long I can go without letting my soul take a breath; it's when you suddenly calm down and your not anxious or nervous or anything..when you're just there. Normally, I go only a few hours and when that gets stretched on to say 12 hours..I become extremely irritable, fascinated by violence, and chew my fingers raw. I haven't let my soul breath for nearly a week now, and it's like my form of insomnia..but self-inflicted. I have yet to smash anything-I've thrown a few things after sitting silent for about 5 hours with my mind racing faster than the speed of light..expected spasms-and have been handling myself quite well. My fingers are an entirely different story. I've been ripping and tearing at them nonstop and they're looking horrible. Just today I ripped of a notably large chunk of flesh and I must have bled for about an hour and a half. I drink the blood from my wounds because it's easier than getting a paper towel, and I nearly puked from all of it....

Back to my point, Bryan says, "I've never seen 'GATTACA', what's it about?" Naturally I tell him, and who is apparently his new girlfriend, to get in the car and I was going to buy it. (This deserves a little elaboration, actually. I woke up this morning, the second time to be more specific, to my mother shouting in my ear that "Jackie is in the bed with Bryan!" Jackie is Bryan's most recent ex and to be completely honest, she justifiably disliked by my parents..me, on the other hand, I never liked her-she bragged to me about how she might have killed someone the first night we met. It wasn't, thankfully, and I knew that it was the girl from last night. So, I end up taking care of the tire and getting my sandals and when I get back, Bryan makes us all French toast. The girl, Diana, makes a fuss because Toby's, our cat, hair got on one of her slices. That's gross and all, but sometimes it happens when you leave the door open and have the wind blowing-our kitchen door is just inside of a wind tunnel-where our cat eats. So, she gave her share to me and we all began talking. Then, me and my brother shut up while she talked. ...and talked. ...and talked. ....and talked a whole shit load more. Soon I came to realize that I knew this girl from the past...waaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy back in the past. Middle school days. At any rate, it was one long stroll down memory lane for all three of us all day long and then she directed me as I drove her to her friend's house. Vicki's house. I have not seen, or even heard of, Vicki in such a time that I had no clue who she was until I saw her with my own two eyes-and thought it only fitting when I saw her stepbrother, Walter, walk out and smoke a cigarette while trying to look all goth in the daylight. I was pulling the gig when the chump was wearing diapers, and I did a much better job. Anyway, it was fun but I don't give it much time.) So, we got the movie, or DVD rather, and watched it. I'm glad I opted for the DVD because now I can watch that masterpiece in my room with some solitude. It'll be nice, and I didn't really have any other option anyway. Out of four stores I only found one copy of it and it was a DVD. I think it was a sign, to be honest, that I should buy the DVD and not VHS version. Who knows, though, right?

So, with that said and two of three predictions coming true, I'm now wondering what time tomorrow I'll end up passing out. I'm hoping it'll be before 10 PM or after 1AM Monday morning; I'd rather not miss Adult Swim. On a related note, I'm more of a lifeless loser than Jay Fry.. you "Futurama" fans know what I'm talking about. "It's Saturday night. I have no date, a two liter bottle of Shasta, and an all Rush mix tape. Let's rock."

To a new topic that I've been thinking a lot about as of late. Moving. I'd really like to get the hell of my house and into an apartment of my own. I have very little money to so with, however. Let me be frank, I want the hell out of Mobile. I want the hell out of Alabama. I don't want to say goodbye, and I certainly don't feel like looking back. I got nothing more than a heap of memories here. I enjoy most of them, but I don't care to live in the past and get by on the fun times I used to have. Bryan is equally exhausted of Mobile's torment. We're thinking about leaving together, but I'd really prefer to leave him behind as well. I'm thinking about Hawaii..

See, I don't have nearly enough money right now. If I wanted to, though, I could sell my soul for four years supporting something I hate with a passion. I'd have enough money, job-training, and experience to get by on my own for the rest of my life, then. Or I could sell my morals for two months and make nearly $10,000 dollars. Sound like I'm making it up? I wish I was, then I wouldn't be the least bit tempted. Anyway, I don't like the duties that would come with the job and thusly..will have to find another route. Maybe if I live in my parent's house for another three years and work at some menial job with a 40-hour work week...I might get enough money to stand on my own two feet for two months in Hawaii. And I wouldn't return..I'd rather be homeless. That's part of the appeal, actually. Being a beach bum in Hawaii wouldn't be half bad at all.

I'm doing a lot of thinking about this. I'm getting terribly restless with this town. Hell, I've lived hear twice as long as I've ever lived anywhere else before. It's time for a move..some change HAS to happen and really soon. I mean it when I say I don't want to say goodbye, too. However, I think that it's low to leave without giving others so much as an intimation that you won't be there tomorrow..not when you mean at least a little to them. So, I've forced myself to tell a few of my friends that I'm thinking about moving for the sole purpose that I won't have to later if I end up leaving. I want the only signs of my departure to be a missing suitcase, a few missing clothes, and maybe an empty space where a rock with a face carved into it used to sit.

I don't have bad friends, really. I have a few friends that are exactly what I think "friends" are in this world. I don't have one of those friends that would last me a lifetime, though. I don't have a friend I connect with on a "higher scale." Hell, I hardly even connect with the few friends I do have..and only in portions of the whole. Then I look at Michael and Nathaniel, two of my friends if I ever had any..and they are inseparable. Their like Siamese twins and they don't even have to tell each other new events...all that's needed is a simple nod of the head or sparkle in the eye. That's friendship..and knowing how reclusive I am, I'm pretty sure I'll never have it. I'm fine with it, though, and thankful because I know that if I don't pack up and leave without a farewell to even my family in the next year or so...it's only a matter of time. I know that's going to be the story of my life..One of America's dying breeds of wanderers. Not a bad life..a little lonely, but I'm well versed with that and I'd get along just fine.

I wonder how many times I'll skip town.. I wonder how many places I'll go and what things I'll see. I wonder how long it'll take before my soul becomes lonely..and how long it'll take the road to steal it from me. I ponder often on a vivid dream I had..I can still smell the plants and the flowers.. will I make it there? Well, if I do go.. and I do say goodbye to anyone.. I know that I'll say goodbye to them here in my own, Darren way. I look forward to my departure.

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