There have always been shades of gray...inexhaustible variants. And no matter what path I took, there would be a hundred forks for me to choose from. And it's kind of like a maze...a puzzle...labyrinth. There's got to be a start point and an end point. I always used to think that it didn't matter which path you took, they all lead to the end. And though I still believe that, I have come to the realization that even though the options still stand...your character tends to decide in advance which course you'll follow. And mine, oddly enough has led me to a "T."

I don't know how I've managed to choose one the few paths that narrow instead of broaden, but in truth, it's a good thing. It means I'm getting close to the straight-away that's going to take me to the goal. I've discarded all the options that were false, "U-turns," and unbreakable circles. Sadly, I think I've overlooked some of the better paths, but they wouldn't have given me as much knowledge as this one has. That knowledge is a necessity to get the end point I'm shooting my azimuth to... Quite critical.

I can turn around and back track to get more paths opened to me, but I know I'll somehow wind up at this same point. And it's the second time in my life that I'm unsure of which direction to follow. One path is Eden. It is the glory of the life I've worked to achieve. I'll bask in it, and love it. There will be problems, I know. There will be plenty to trouble me, but nothing to keep me from my happiness. My contentment.

The other road is hard. It comes with its own peace. A hard-earned peace achieved only by the trauma of violence. It will lead me toward the end I seek, and that end is a matter of time, not distance.

There are very few things in this world that have the capacity to invoke my fear. When I was a little boy, I'd climb in the cactus next to our house. I'd brave the dark forest at the odd hours of the night to see what monsters would meet me. And now, I'll stare death in the face. I don't have the balls to laugh, but I sure as hell won't flinch. However, this path scares the piss out of me. I'll be the first to admit it. I want to turn and run. And as much as I question it...I know that this is the road that I need to take. And perhaps at the end of it...I'll be joined with a new Eden that serves me far better than the one that stands on the other side of this "T."

Forgive me now for the sins against myself I am prepared to commit. Forgive me now for breaking Her heart. Forgive me now for the destruction of your creations. Forgive me now if I fail in the goals you inspired me to have. Forgive me now if I've misunderstood you. And forgive me now for all that is still unknown.

Watch me. Guide me. Fuel me. I'm your tainted saint, and I will give you back your world. Give me your pain in all of its agony. I can bear it. I am your cure, and I'm on the way. I'll see you soon.

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Heart vs mind.