I wish I was some mafia big shot. Then when I turn the key I would be liberated from all my self-subscribed troubles in one massive roar of flame. Everything would fall aside as my body-alive or not-roasted in the driver's seat with my skin melting like cheap plastic. They would have to use my teeth to identify the charred body left behind.

I saw her today, isn't it obvious? I had to see her, actually. I am president/co-founder of The Society for the Promotion of Reading and we meet on Wednesday afternoons... and she is the other founder. At any rate, I've been doing a great job of avoiding her-even though I try to "accidentally" bump into her all day long-and it was again made clear to me of why it is better that I don't see her.

It is an instant pain to ignore her or blow her off or to just make it clear to her that I'm in another world when she is around. It doesn't hurt too terribly, but it is better than the alternative. It is much more painful later on to be kind and friendly and to carry on conversation. Then I get to thinking of her and how great she is and how pathetically I miss her and everything she used to make me feel.

I almost wish that all break-ups ended in rage. I'm thankful to my first real girlfriend for being so very cruel to me after the break-up. She turned the entire school against me, every friend I had hated me, and the rumors made sure that no one would ever give me a chance to prove anything she said about me was wrong. That is so kind as opposed to staying friends.

She's been talking to me about how she is thinking of getting back together. That made me so happy, then the wait for her to make a decision killed me. Now she lies to me about going out; it's not like she needs to, I'm just her friend. I mean, why lie unless she's off doing something that I would be made upset by? That hurts.

I'm really bored with life. I'm tired of pain. The daily schedule is killing me. Is there anyone in or around Mobile that will kill me? I'll pay you about 20 bucks, I'm kind of broke right now. We can meet in the woods and plan things out so that you won't get caught. I'm serious. I don't want to kill myself-it doesn't seem appropriate. Contact me at [email protected] if you have any interest. Title it "A favor to offer."

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And that's that.
Referenced #2
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To write them.
Heart vs mind.