The question has been answered. Don't ask me how, because I'd rather not discuss it. I do love her still, though. I love her so tremendously that the only way I can endure it is by ignoring it all together. It's a different type of love altogether..

I hate her sometimes, though. I hate her when she smiles...when she nudges me...when she throws powdered sugar all over me and rubs it in my hair. I really hate her sometimes.

When I was finally making some overdue progress in this whole breakup, I realized the only way that I was getting along was by avoiding all of my feelings. So I have a choice now, never feel that pain again by never feeling anything ever again...or go through what is my own personal hell. It took me a year, at least, to get over Meghan. I still get weak thinking of her sometimes...As for Alyson, this will take a year, or maybe two. I remember how bad that whole Meghan bit hurt very well and wonder how much worse this is going to be...

On to another, more pressing topic, I really like being honest. Sometimes, though, a lie is one of the most cleaver artifices around. There is one entry here that is a tool of deception, and now that it has served its purpose and, though not fully believed, it had enough credibility to make a permanent impression...it can be forgotten. Let's face it, I like rough sex..I like knowing the soul before I know the person..I like being with my kind of people, but that particular encounter, one that I wouldn't mind having, was far from true. For one, I swore that she was the last, and though that might not stay that way forever...it's going to be true for a looooong while to come. And two, if anyone who claims to know me..or have ever known me..believed it for a single second..they never knew me to begin with. Not their fault, I guess, since I hide myself from the world and even those closest to me.

I went to New Orleans yesterday. It was the most disappointing trip I've ever been on, the most boring adventure I have ever endeavored upon..but still, I had more fun than I thought I would have. I left Mobile for little while. That was good. The jellyfish were cool. And on the way home, sometime around 7:30 PM...I realized that when I do move away, I won't have to say goodbye to anyone. They've already said goodbye to me. Heh, even when I am around my friends-save for Michael and Nathanial-I'm not noticed until I make myself apparent. Carmen O'Conner is a nice girl-when I was "cool" because I was one of her older sister's friends, I'd always make sure to include her..now, when I'm alone and bored, she'll do the same.

Mimi and Brittany want to get me totally drunk today. It's been postponed for over a month, and that's usually our limit. Bryan offered to get me wasted last night..Tweak, and I said no. It's easy to say no to him..especially when it's tweak. As for Mimi, it's really hard to say no to her sometimes..especially since I kind of want to.. I could use a break from my troubles, you know? I'll hate myself for it later, but I really don't care right now. Besides, there isn't a single damn person in my life who has room to talk... Bryan fell back into bad habits when things got "too bad" for him. My mother fell back on cigarettes when her life started in its downward spiral.. Alyson has done quite a few things over her problems. I've never done anything more than carve into my skin with the precise blade of an Xacto knife...in my entire life. I've never escaped, I've always taken it on..and I'm sure I won't have a choice in escaping from this, but I can take a break. If she calls...if the offer still stands.. I will.

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And that's that.
Referenced #2
Referenced
To write them.
Heart vs mind.