11:18 PM on Tuesday, March 15th of 2003. I'm sitting in the den and I'm the only one awake. I'm listening to a CD made for me years ago by someone the entire world seems to loath. I don't loath her. I love her, and I have my reasons.

Jessica Hutson is one of those people who is so very fake in the presence of her peers...or anyone for that matter. She has a thousand and one facades for the world that won't accept her no-questions-asked. I don't hold that against her or anyone. Everyone is fake for others in at least one manner or other, so what if she takes it to such extremes?

She made me two CDs during the brief period we were together. A mere 5 months or so... Both of them are really great compilations of music with a semi-diverse selection. One of them is for fun, a few laughs and a couple of good tunes between lovers. The other is a soul. Right now, I'm listening to her soul and it's singing to me. She picked out a few songs that she really liked and knew that I would enjoy and threw them together in a fragile sort of way. Skip a song and the entire meaning is shattered to bits.

This CD is my favorite CD of all time. It got scratched up in my brother's care, and is nothing but repetitive noise on any stereo in the world. However, on Bryan's dvd player that he has hooked up to his stereo speakers, Jess' soul sings clean and proud and honest. Bouncing from "Everlong" from the Foo Fighters to "Hard Road Out of Hell" by Marilyn Manson, its got so many sides. Cartman singing about Kyle's mom being a big fat bitch is more than a laugh...but vital to the big picture.

Jess is a great person and no one gives her credit for that. I'm tired of silencing myself while others rag on her. I'm tired of having to sit through some mindless dribble about how fake she is from a self-righteous hypocrite while I'm possibly the only person in the whole world who she has actually shown her real self to...and I have to say, it's hard to be half as beautiful as her.

I wish she'd wizen up and drop the worthless lies. I wish she actually used that wondrous mind of hers. I wish she'd just be real for herself and live the life that she deserves. Things would go so much better for her, but then again...she's the perfect American "tragedy" and likes it. I can't blame her. I'd like it, too. But she's just a better soul than a person. Anyway, she has great taste in music and isn't a bad musician herself.

I want to talk about that one thing. She showed herself to me when no one knew who in the hell she was. She wasn't the first. She won't be the last. I tend to have that effect on people. I make them comfortable with themselves, or, at least, I do my best to make them feel that way. Then, once their nice and cozy, they start opening up like a beautiful flower in springtime; the only difference is that they never wilt.

I've had so many people open up to me and they always say that they don't know why they tell me such things. They "never know why" I'm so easy to talk to about things so truthful about themselves and their lives. I don't really know why, either. And I don't care. What does it matter what the reason is? It doesn't so long as they open up. To me. To you. To anyone, really. It's great therapy. Now the question is, does the preacher practice his own gospel? No, he doesn't.

Well, that's not entirely true. For accuracy's sake, of course. I've opened up to a few people. I never really opened up to Jess. My parents are so confused about who I am that they think my brother is selling me drugs and getting me high-I'm the one who is pulling Bryan further and further from drugs and all that bull...I got him walking with me and he's on his way to being healthy. Where I'm wrong, though, is that I opened up to Alyson. I gave her a peak, a sneak-preview, if you will. She liked it and so I opened more. No resistance, so I let it all hang out. Too much and way too soon but she managed to make some sense of it anyway. I opened up to her completely and through all the complex simplicity of the universe inside me...she grasped a galaxy drenched with knowledge and life. I've grasped about the same of her, possible more but not by much. I got the center of her universe, though, while she got some galaxy lingering near the edge of all existence....more than enough, even though it sounds like little.

It is good to open up, I won't deny that. I just wish I would have preserved my soul on a CD...but somehow, I think I've done better. I think I've forced her to harbor that galaxy of mine in her own universe-and it'll always be there, whether she's willing, open, whatever to it or not. I like that. The unfortunate part, though, is that she has done the same to me...and my universe will never quite be the same. I'll open up to others, I open up to 'Chele and always have in my own, Darren way...but I'm wondering how long before my universe because "their" collective universe? Well, it's not a bad place to live, really. I have the best of everyone I meet, and if that doesn't sound like nirvana...then nothing does.

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